▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that
it isn’t necessary for students to spend at least one year working or traveling
before they go to university. However, I believe that it is important to spend spent
at least one year working of travelling before they go to university. This is because
working and travelling enables students to develop social skills and broaden
their perspectives.
[본론1 한 문단으로 만들어주세요.] Spending time for working of
travelling makes people enjoying a better quality of life by making them think
so wider.
Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an
article in “The Korea Herald” last Tuesday which claims that 70 percent of 200
Korean people believe that people who experienced part-time jobs have abilities to solve a variety of problems better and could use their socializing skills at in various
circumstances.
My own experience demonstrates some of the advantages of growing students' student’s
social skill for working before they go to university.
When I aAfter I graduated from high school and before I entered HY university, I had
worked at a restaurant for one years. While I worked at the restaurant, I didn’t only
learned not only how to treat many people whom have diverse needs but also learn how to
solve problems from diverse situations. Eventually, I could develop my
socializing skills and have wide perspectives for through part-time job experience. And
everything what I had learned from working at the restaurant have helped my university life.
This example demonstrates some of
the advantages of working before entering university. 문단이 담고 있는 내용이 너무 많습니다. social skill/wide perspective/problem solving skill은 모두 다 다른 장점이므로 한 가지만 정해서 그것이 대학생활에 필요하고 대학 입학 전에 여행이나 일을 통해 갖추는 것이 도움이 된다는 설명을 연결해서 논리를 만들어주는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요.
[본론2 한 문단으로 만들어서 본론1과 구분지어주세요.] In addition, spending at least one year before they go to university
enables people to broaden perspectives.
Understanding the importance of accepting different cultural values and
the potential of spending quality time during vacations is in necessary to
substantiate the view.
Spending time for traveling enables people to visit foreign countries to
broaden perspectives.
Traveling to t new destination means opportunities to learn ideas, because
what is commonly accepted as the cultural norm at home may not be the case in
other cultures. Being able to shift perspectives helps to relate better to
those from different cultural values.
In this regard, I learned that spending times for traveling before going to university enables people to broaden perspectives. 마찬가지로 한 문단에는 한 가지 내용만 보여줄 수 있도록 정리해주세요.
To sum up, l believe that it is
important for students to spend at least one year working or traveling before
they go to university. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated for the reasons I have reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 답안이 전체적으로 정돈된 한 편의 글로 보일 수 있도록 서론/본론/결론을 명확히 나누어서 문단으로 구획지어주세요. 국문 에세이와 다르게 앞부분의 여백을 많이 주거나 문단과 문단 사이 1줄 공백을 넣어서 문단을 구획지어야 합니다. 한 문단에서 전달하는 내용이 너무 많고 논리가 정돈되어 있지 않다는 느낌이 드는 것도 아쉽습니다. 한 가지 핵심주장이 명확히 전달될 수 있도록 내용을 더 다듬어주세요. 중간중간 좋은 표현들도 많지만 아직 문법오류가 많아서 전달력이 약하다는 점도 아쉬워요. 정확한 어법 구사할 수 있도록 꼼꼼하게 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Displays occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용)
- An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |