▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that school must invest a lot of money in increasing to increase diverse social activities after school. However, in my opinion, school should spend more money for students’ nutritious meals concerning the fact that nutritious meals are important for students’ health. To begin with, since teenagers have enormous opportunities to be grown up and they spend most of their time at school, school should offer nutritious foods at school cafeteria. Suppose that foods at cafeteria cafteria are unhealthy unhealth and consist consisted of junk foods. Is it possible for students to eat well-balanced foods? And are students able to study hard? It is highly doubtful. When they eat nutritious meals everyday at school, they can concentrate on their classes and it makes them study effectively. If they are not healthy, they cannot do their social activities after school and enhancing their social abilities is not possible. /이 부분에서 문단 나누는 편이 나을 것 같아요/ In addition, it is possible for students to get chances of social activities themselves without school's help. For example, finding volunteer voluteer activities or club activities to take part in is not that difficult. To be specific, helping poor or disabled people is invaluable social activities which students are able to find everywhere. However, since students cannot take care of themselves for nutritious meals at school, various and healthy foods should be offered for them. After that, they are able to formulate their positive eating habits and it affects their healthy life habits in general. According to a research conducted by Board of Education to determine factors which affect teenager’s health, . One one of the significant factors was nutritious meals at school. This is a main reason that school must invest in cafeteria facilities and various meal plans. To sum up with, I strongly believe that school and education department must expand their budget for students’ well-balanced meals at school cafeteria to maintain their health.
Comment : 학생들의 건강 측면에서 주장들을 제시해주셨는데, 두 내용이 명확히 구분되도록 주장을 좀 더 구체화해서 구별지어주면 좋을 것 같아요. 둘 다 건강과 관련되어 있지만 세부 내용은 어느 정도 흐름이 다르기 때문에 각 주장에서 '메뉴를 잘 개선해야 공부에 집중을 더 잘 할 수 있다'와 '학생들이 스스로 챙길 수 없는 부분이니 학교에서 더 신경써야 한다'라는 점에 초점을 두고 풀어주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 반복적인 표현을 줄이고 단계적인 논리 구성이 잘 드러나도록 흐름을 정리한다면 훨씬 더 높은 점수대의 글이 될 수 있을 것으로 보입니다. 여러 가지 내용을 잘 생각해주셨어요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |