▶ Your Answer : Children’s intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by parents’ strict rules. With this understanding, I believe that parents must have strict rules to help their children to be successful. This is because parents’ strict rules enable children to concentrate on study and make a lot of friends.
To begin with, parents who have strict rules are play an important role in their children’s academic progress. In modern society, parents who have strict rules make their children to study. 엄격한 규칙을 가진 부모가 아이들을 공부하게 만든다는 주장의 ground가 부족합니다. 단순히 '규칙이 엄격하다=공부를 시킨다'라고만 해석하는 것은 논리적 비약이 되므로, 규칙을 엄격하게 부여해주어야 아이들이 공부에 더 집중하게 되는 이유를 설명해주어야 합니다. For example, Wwhen I was an elementary school student, I was not terribly interested in studying study something. However, my mother did does not give me pocket money and keeps kept me from watching television when if I did do not study. Therefore, I was able to concentrate on my study more and get a good grade until high school. As a result, I was able to enter the prestigious university.
On top of that, parents who have strict rules allow children to make a lot of friends. This is because parents make their children polite by scolding when they rude, so children can form good connection with others. 엄격한 규칙이 있어서 아이들이 예의바른 것과, 예의바르면 친구를 많이 사귀는 것이 무슨 관련이 있는지, 이것이 성공과 무슨 관련이 있는지 연결이 부족합니다. 규칙이 엄격해야 아이들이 성공에 필요한 예의범절을 제대로 익힐 수 있다, 하는 식으로 명확하게 연결되는 한 가지 주장만 남겨서 그 자체를 구체적으로 설명하는 편이 더 나을 것 같아요. For instance, there was a poll conducted by a professor at Seoul National University targeting as 200 children who have strict parents. The purpose of this survey was to understand the consensus view of a key factor of strict rules. The majority of respondents are more sociable than other children. It means that children who have strict parents are polite enough because politeness is an important factor od. As this survey shows, parents who have strict rules make their children to be successful at making friends.
To sum up, I believe that parents must have strict rules to help their children to be successful for the following reasons: to concentrate on study and make a lot of friends. Consequently, the importance important of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 엄격한 규칙을 통해 아이들이 학업에 더 집중하고 예의범절을 잘 익힐 수 있다는 주장 자체는 괜찮지만, 이것이 어떻게 가능하고 왜 중요한지에 대한 설명이 부족하기 때문에 논리 면에서 감점요인이 클 수 있습니다. 구체적인 설명에 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어주셔야 논리에서 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있으니 참고해서 더 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) |