▶ Your Answer :
Relaxing plays a very important role in for our lives in many ways, especially when people get a lot of stress from their works or studies these day. There are many kinds of ways for people to relax such as watching a movie, reading a book or doing physical exercise. Some people prefer watching a movie or reading a book to doing physical exercise, but others does not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their opinions. I personally like to relax by doing physical exercise.
To start with, I think that I can enjoy not only physical exercise but also social network while I do team sports like basketball, soccer, or baseball. Some people argue that you they can have fun with their your friends when they you watch a movie with friends them or talk about the a same book that you and your friends read. But during while playing the team sport, I have more social relationship because we have the a same goal that our team want to win, talk a lot together about games, and share the same emotion of winning or losing. 주제에서 질문한 '휴식'과 무슨 관련이 있는지 설명이 필요합니다. 친구들과 함께 상호작용하는 것이 스트레스 해소에 어떤 영향을 주는지, 왜 도움이 되는지, 왜 좋은 휴식이라고 보는 것인지에 대한 답변이 빠져 있으므로 논점이 맞지 않는 부분들이 생깁니다. For example, recently I joined a soccer team. I made get having lots of friends in the team. I enjoy playing soccer and getting along with our team members. Therefore, I could relieve can stress out and relax when I play soccer.
Also, we breathe with more oxygen when we do physical exercise, so we become refreshed better. refresh. According to a lot of science and health researches, our physical bodies need more oxygen when we exercise. The more oxygen our bodies absorb, the fresher feelings our bodies get. When you are in forest, you become clear and refresh. This is because you breathe with in lots of oxygen from trees. 숲에서 산소를 많이 들이마쉬는 것과 '운동'은 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 사례 내용은 삼림욕의 장점이지 운동이 좋은 휴식 방법이라는 입장과는 상관이 없으므로 논점에 맞지 않습니다. Thus, doing exercise makes us to be refreshed and relaxed with more oxygen.
To sum up, I think that we enjoy exercise and social network by doing team sports and we get refreshed with more oxygen in our bodies. In this regard, I strongly disagree that it is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise.
Comment : 주제가 묻는 것은 '더 좋은 휴식 방법'이므로, 내가 설명하는 내용들은 모두 휴식과 관련되어야 합니다. 현재 답안은 휴식에서 동떨어진 요소에 더 초점이 가 있다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 좋은 휴식의 조건에 대해서 생각해보고, 운동이 이를 어떻게 잘 충족시켜주는지를 설명하는 형태로 내용을 더 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 책읽기&영화보기가 정적인 것인 반면 운동은 더 활동적인 측면이 많으니까 이런 부분들을 비교해서 내용을 설명한다면 주제 반영도를 높이는 데 도움이 될 수 있겠습니다. 오탈자와 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |