▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near people's houses is good or not. However, in my opinion, factory dose not help people's community for the following reasons. Although, factories help development of a community or a town, factories make a lot of chemical gases and industrial waste. It is harmful to little ones, or their parents because most of chemical gases contain poison and harmful gases, and most of industrial wastes are composition of radioactivity. radioactive. Besides, the company has to reduce their budget for their waste such as, transporting it to other land, or bury it. buried. Therefore, the company utilizes lands near the factory as a land for the waste because the company can reduce their budget. For example, in jJapan, there was a paint company made paint. The company needed new land to build a new paint factory and purchased the land to build factory. Although, there were the residents in the land but the paint factory emitted chemical gases and industrial wastes. The people there People had a got an illness and they had to cure themselves by with their own money. They lost their land and health. Moreover, a fFactory limits is the a development limit for of a community. If a factory is was built near people's land, people cannot build schools, libraries, even apartment. In other words, the factory can ruin ruined their land because factories make made a lot of harmfulness things and loud noise. People tend to avoid a noisy place and a dangerous place for their children or health. For instance, in Japan, there was a huge company called Sony. Sony found a land to build their factory, and people wanted the factory to build near their house because Sony was an incredible company and whenever when the factory was built, the cost of house would take off. However, prices of house went to down and people left leaved their community house and land because the factory's noise was so loud for children and residents. Therefore, sStudents could not study and the town never built educational building, so, parents wanted to move to another town. To sum up, building a factory does is not bring effective advantages to for people because not only given that it makes chemical gases and loud noise. , but also, cChemical wastes and harmful materials that spoil people's health and landscape, or community.
Comment : 환경적인 측면과 발전 저해라는 주장 자체는 아주 좋지만, 불필요한 내용의 반복이 많고 문법 오류가 너무 많다는 점이 감점요인이 될 것으로 보입니다. 글 안에서 복수표현/단수표현이 계속해서 바뀌는데 한 가지로 고정해서 사용하는 것도 신경써주세요. 각 본론에서 담고 있는 내용이 너무 여러 가지라서 요지가 명확히 전달되지 않는 부분도 아쉽습니다. 환경/발전 그 자체에만 초점을 두고 전개하면서 흐름을 더 정돈하면 좋을 것 같아요. 사례 내용도 둘 다 같은 나라로 하기보다는 변화를 주어서 사용하는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 정확한 문법 많이 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |