▶ Topic :Travelling with a guided tour group is the best way to travel? Today, travelling another country is more convenient for foreigner than past. Guiding system in journey is one of the effective way to attract person who is afraid to travel of traveling to a foreign country. However, it is not the best way to travel (it is not the best way to travel로 끝내는 것 보다는 다른 방법이 있음 그런게 더 나을 거 같다등의 특정한 여행 방법을 말하는게 좋을거 같아요). I have two reasons which support my opinion. Firs First we could miss a reminiscent memory during journey. Second, following the guided program have has a relatively strict rule than personal trip First, when people who travelling travel to another country just take the route which guide leads, they could miss a valuable scene during journey. 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것 보다는 가이드 투어를 하면 왜 의미있는 경치들을 못보게 되는 지 설명을 해주시는 게 좋을 거 같아요 스케줄이 tight하기 때문에 못 보게 된다는 등의 설명 구가 필요한 거 같습니다. Last time, I visited to Paris in France (장소 명사는 대문자로 서술하시길 바랍니다). I should fellow follow a guide who took a our tour team. I could travelled travel (could 뒤에는 동사 원형을 사용합니다) to well-known places in Paris. I really looked forward to see the street show in Paris. Unfortunately, I could not saw street performance which is one of the famous one in the world. If I watched the show, I could more enjoy the moment than present I do I could more enjoy the travel than the past. guiding system in group tour is the one of the great way to trip. But, this tour have drawback which is not allow people to tour freely. they should follow the rule. Although guiding system is one of the great way to trip, the tour has drawbacks as it does not allow people to tour trip freely following the rule (위 문장이 말이 이상하기 때문에 제가 이렇게 문장을 바꾸었습니다) So, it won’t will not be beneficial for person who is want wants to travel freely like me. I think that there is the better wat way to travel than a guided tour group. I think travelling with a guided tour is not the best way to trip. Secondly, if people like a guided program, following the guided tour have has more strict rule for traveler to conform relatively. This is because it is group tour. It could be make a problem As it is a group tour, such tour could bring about problems. For example, if a member of the team did not hold the precise time for the next trip, rest of the team just wait the member until he arrive. (I think it is the some sort of the teamwork.) This problem will cause journey planning to delay. So that People could not satisfy with the travelling. In my opinion, guided tour system is not the best way to trip. In conclusion, if they like convenient guiding line for the trip or they like to travel to attractive site which they are interested in, travelling with guided tour group is not the best suggestion for the trip. I primarily recommend a personal trip. But, if people like to follow guided line for the trip, I recommend to plan to travel with their friends. It will be more beneficial for traveler. 결론에 맞지않는 문장 인 거 같습니다. 결론은 말 그대로 간단하게 본인의 아이디어를 간추려서 말하는 것 입니다 따라서 짧게 본인이 이 주제에 대해서 어떻게 생각하는지 서술하면 좋습니다.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 위에서 첨삭한 것을 보앗듯이 문장이 어법상 말이 이상한 곳이 있습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 그것을 토대로 에세이를 서술하면 좋을 거 같습니다. 이러한 문장들은 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 잘 보고 참고하사길 바랍니다. 전체적으로 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔지만 이러한 부분이 점수를 깎습니다. 따라서 앞으로 에세이를 쓸 때는 쓰고 나시고 꼭 proofreading을 하길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |