▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that children should use their time to play and study rather than
to do other things. They may have their reason to think like that. However, in
my opinion, it is beneficial for children to use their time for doing to do the household
chores. This is because, by doing the chores, children can communicate with their
family and they can raise their ability to live alone.
To
begin with, when children do household chores, they can have chance to interact
with their family members. They can communicate with their parents, helping
them to do household jobs (어떠한 방식으로 소통이 많아지는지에 대한 내용이 필요해요. 집안일을 같이 하게 되면 아이와 부모간의 어떠한 대화가 오고가고 왜 이러한 대화가 중요한지 설명이 필요할 거 같습니다.). For example, when I was young, my family had a
cleaning day every week. On this day, my dad cleaned a garden, my mom did a
laundry, sister cleaned her room and I washed dishes. Doing works at home, we
all had many talks and spent a lot of time together. And I felt that we were
all connected. connected라고 하셨는데 어떠한 상황에서 connect되었는지에 대한 내용이필요해요. 각자가 맡은 집안일을 하면서 서로가 힘들어 하는 부분을 같이 도와주면서 일을 해서 소통과 관계가 발전이 되었다라는 식에 서술이 필요한 거 같습니다.
On
top of that, helping parents to do household jobs can give children an
opportunity to raise their independence. In other words, they can learn many
skills which are necessary to live alone when they grow up. For example, since
I was in elementary school, I has have helped my mom, helping her to prepare meals.
At first, I often did simple jobs such as making fried egg and washing
vegetables. However, after few years, I could make much more complicate things
like curry or soup. And now, I am living my self to attend a college. A lot of
my friends who are living their selves themselves have meals outside, but I make food
myself. This is good for health and saving money. good for health and saving money보다는 어렸을 때 부터 짐안일을 해왔기 때문에 다른 사람들 보다는 자기 자신이 독립적으로 행동할 수 있게 되었다가 더 맞는 표현 인 거 같습니다. 이 부분 이외에는 논리적으로 잘 풀어 나간 거 같습니다. 특히 독립성을 올리기 위해 자신이 했던 경험을 서술하신 부분이 좋은 포인트 인거 같습니다.
To
sum up, the communication opportunity from doing household jobs with family members
and the chance to raise skills to live their selves make it beneficial for
children to do that. For these reasons, I feel that parents do their household
job with their children can be a more valuable time for them. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 전반적으로는 논리적으로 풀어나간 거 같습니다 하지만 제가 첨삭 하신 것을 보았듯이. 예시 각 문장들 사이에서 connect가 필요 한거 같습니다. 연관성 없이 서술하는 것 보다는. cause and effect처럼 이러한 이유 때문에 변하게 됬고 아이들에게 좋은 영향을 주게 된다라는 식으로 서술하는것이 좋은 점수 받는 데에 있어서는 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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