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Arguments abound surrounding an issue about how parents affect their children. Some insist that parents are the best teacher; however, one believe that other factors affect strongly during the development of children's life. 그래서 본인의 주장은 무엇인가요? 본인의 주장이 나와있지 않습니다.
First, some could argue that children learn a lot from their parents because they spend the most of their youth with parents, especially, babies modify parents' action and spend time during their brain's developing time. It is true that babies learn a lot from people who are near them during their youth. However, not many parents could spend time with their babies in this world. The survey was done by 500 worker in a Korean computer company, Dusan, it showed that a lot of parents who have babies under five years old does do not spend more than five hour a day. The reason is that they are so busy at their work place and a lot of people hired household who take of baby babysitters. The world we are living live is different than the past from the past. As the survey showed us, it is difficult to see the children are affected by parents since they are not spending do not spend time with parents.
Second, the development of person is a constantly processed, not the once during the youth. Also,the more children grow up the more time they spend with others such as friends, teachers, and household. It is clear that people have a lot of communication and connection between others by going a school, an institute, or a company. In these competitive world, identifying themselves as a person who need for the job become nessary. becomes necessary The more people try to get high education to get
good position in their work place. The more people realize it and become competitive, the earlier they start the education. A group of education major conduct a study about when is the most active developing time during the person's life. The study was done by 50 people from their children time to their adult time. The result showed that learning was none stop process during the lifetime. Also, people learn more when thir teenager through more complex thinks and connect between more people.
Third, learning from the parents could be limited. One admits that people, especially when they are young, they learn a lot from what parents' habit by copying them. However, it is more significant that learning from the parents are a limited. For example, imagine the parents who do not read book a lot and they play the instruments often during their mean time. The children from them would encourage to learn and play with instrument rather than reading books. It would be hard for that children to find any interest about reading. It clearly shows us that education from parents are limited, not abroad.
To sum up, learning process is constant and especially active after they grow up. Also, they can experience and develop broadly through people around them such as teachers, and friends.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 너무 에세이가 장황합니다. 너무나 많은 정보들을 이 에세이를 통해서 보여주려고 합니다. 세 개의 이유를 서술하여서 에세이를 장황하게 만드는 것 보다는 두 개의 이유로 간결하게 본인의 의견을 제시하는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 이렇게 장황하게 에세이를 서술하다 보면 전반적으로 이 에세이가 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지를 잘 모르게 되기 때문에 이러한 부분을 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 문법적 오류들도 있으니 제가 참석한 것을 보고 확이하여 주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
시간 : 40m 43s 매번 감사합니다!!!
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