Children should use their time to play and study rather than to do household chores.
Some people believe that children should use their time in household chores since they can shape better relationship with their parents by helping the household chore, while other people think differently. If I were asked to choose, I would say that children must spend their time except household chores. There are several reasons and example as follows. not spend their time on doing household chores for the following two subsequent reasons.
The spending time in household chore is not the fruitful time for their children and can be wasting time in my perspective To begin with, doing household chore can be waste of time to children.. This is because they quickly acquire the new knowledge and body ability in that time which is only childhood. ability other than household chore. But, However, if they invest more time in doing household chores, they will lose their very significant time in their life. significant time. For instance, according to an experiment of the Tokyo University or many experts, childhood is most efficient time to learn a lot of languages. They divided two teams with generations, team A was consisted by children and team B was composed by adults. Tokyo University provided a time to learn Japanese for two teams by tuition. And after that time, They examined their Japanese ability by test. As a result, team A's average score was higher than team 2's average score.그래서 이 결론이 말하고 싶은 건 무엇인가요? 명확하게 어떠한 것인지를 설명해주셔야 합니다.
On top of that, children's environments are confined in only house, If they spend more time in household chores. And this is very not good for children's maturing. This is because they have to spend a time in outdoor in order to shape useful abilities by approaching many and different things. However, If they spend a lot of time in household chores, their processes to study or exercise are probably low comparing to other contemporary children's average ability. For example, When I was 9, I frequently helped my mother's washing a plate or cleaning a house. But, I noticed defect of helping the household chore when I watch playing soccer with students of middle school. Becuase they seemed so fun and looked to amuse efficiently their young time. So, I decided to deviate from my home after that time.
Sum up, children's good time to quickly acquire the anything is limited and their activities are confined in their home.
In this regard, I firmly assert that children should use their time to play and study rather than todo household chores
Fair: 17~23
점수: 23
각 단락에서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이러한 이유는 각 단락들이 구체적으로 무엇을 암시하고 끝내는 것 보다는 결론이 없이 이론만 설명하고 끝나는 것 같다는 느낌이 듭니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 크게 보는 것이 이 에세이가 얼마나 설득력이 있는 가를 보기 때문에 좀 더 구체적으로 왜 이러한 예시가 나왔구 주제에대해서 이러한 생각을 가지게 되었는지를 좀 더 명확하게 설명 부탁드립니다. 수고많으셨습니다.