▶ Your Answer :
In my opinion, conserving the
historic architectures is increasingly has become increasingly important, because this helps people
obtain a decent job, study harder and relieve stress. 인트로에 있어서 적절치 않는 거 같습니다 바로 본인의 주장만 서술하는 것보다 도입 부분과 상대방의 의견을 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다.
Preserving To begin with, preserving old historic
buildings would improve the
standard of living. With more fields of businesses such as preservation
businesses and tourism created, people are able to have confront with better chance to be get
employed. During the 1970's, for instance, the government backed restoration
project provided providing people with more opportunities to work and to earn income for
their house hold. Such provision of employment laid some foundations for people
to gain economic prosperity, thus contributing to overall national economic
growth. This was primarily due to the fact that people with no or little income
emerged
as the middle class by earning money from the new job sectors derived from the
government's comprehensive efforts to preserve old buildings. Conserving old
historic buildings help people helps people to actively seek employment in a better condition,
thus making it feasible for people to pave the way for better quality of life.
In addition to the
improvement in the standard of living obtained, conserving historic buildings
also allows people to study harder. What this means is that with the help of
old historic buildings well preserved, people are able to focus on their study
more effectively. When I was in Waseda University, I used not to have did not have much
trouble completing my assignments due to the wide ranging knowledge acquired
from visits to the historic sites and buildings during my high school. In the
beginning of my high school, I could not recognize that how my persistent
visits to the old buildings would prepare myself for the better future. I came
to realize for years afterwards that the fundamental historic exploration
through visiting historic buildings would help me solve a variety of problems
ranging from the Edo period to the Meiji Restoration with my friend, Seiko, effectively.
If I had not visited the historic buildings on a regular basis during my high
school, I would have failed on some of the subjects offered by my university. Furthermore,
I could not graduate from university with honor degree punctually. Such honor
degree was a contributing factor making me have some chance to be employed with
a decent pay. Preserving historic buildings, in this regard, makes people
concentrate on their study, securing better future.
Preserving historic building
enables people to relieve their stress. If people visit historic buildings with
their colleagues regardless of time and place, they will lead better
stress-free life. Last year, for instance, my brother, Tom was under a great
deal of stress arising from his preparation for history thesis. Although
feeling utterly confused concerning how to deal with the thesis at first, he
was desperately visiting the old buildings in our town, finding a lot of
valuable sources necessary to write the thesis. Prior to the thesis paper presented,
he frequently visited the old buildings, even making himself have total
understanding of the thesis subject dealt with. Owing to the valuable sources
derived from his frequent visit to the historic buildings, he was able to pass the
strict examination, which made him much less stressful. Unlike Tom's persistent
efforts to explore the cultural buildings in order to write a thesis, Jane had
no choice but to rely on library resources due to the fact that there were no
historic buildings properly preserved in her city, failing to get her thesis
approved. Preserving old historic buildings, therefore, permits people to lead
stress-free life in a prudent way, having better academic achievement.
As I have illustrated above,
preserving old buildings offers invaluable advantages compared to replace them
with new ones. Aren’t such advantages appealing? Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 너무 에세이가 장황합니다. 너무 에세이가 장황하다 보니까 정리가 되지 않는 거 같습니다. 특히 세 가지 이유를 서술하였는 데, 각 단락마다 너무나 과부화된 설명들을 서술하신 거 같습니다. 이렇게 장황하게 세 가지의 이유를 서술하는 것 보다는 두 가지 이유로 간결하게 서술하는 것이 더 바람직 합니다. 독립형 에세이에서 크게 보는 것은 설득력이 있나 이기 때문에. 간결하게 에세이를 서술하는 것이 지금 이 에세이는 가장 중요해보입니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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