Human history has changed dramatically throughout centuries. From the time we had not had any buildings, to the times of war and to contemporary life. While we have been through have confronted with many years, we have attempted to positively ameliorate the life of human beings with constant research and studies. Some people who are antipathetic of today's world due to fierce competition, and fast pace moving society, It should be admitted that compared to when our grandparents were young, the overall standards of life has improved. When delving closer to analyse the change, we can expect that technological advancements have made our lives easier. Also, diversification in many fields has provided numerous ways to facilitate our lives. 인트로가 너무 장황합니다. 불필요한 정보까지 서술된 거 같습니다. 인트로에서는 간결하게 이 에세이의 방향성만 적는 것이지 hook이 너무깁니다.
First and foremost, technological advancements in human history should never be overlooked. The bookst (무슨 뜻인가요? 설명이 필요합니다) in human lifestyle and also the economy is highly influenced by technology. This is comparable to the period of our grandparent's generation and makes a huge difference between the their life and of ours. An understandable example can be used here to elaborate this. Among other electronic devices, cellphones especially smartphones have brought in tremendous clout. With uncountable uses with the smartphone, such as reading books, contacting those living abroad, and playing online games, surrogate classical paper books, work to send letters and many more. Smartphones, undoubtedly, has made our lives more efficient and handy. As current scientists and researchers are striving strive to advance technology, It would facilitate our lives even further.
Second, with the progression of time, our lifestyle has diversified providing more numerous avaible opinons. To be specific, in transportation, in food industry, or even in unfrastructures, there are much more types and ways of using them than in the past. Too many diverse options may have made people weary, however, the positive effects outweigh its disdavantages. A clear example can be the use of transportation. In the past, where airplanes, vehecles and trains were not prevelant among citizens, the only way to move was by riding in a carriage. It only lagged time but also was very unconfortable in that it required horse stations to feed the horses. In these days, however, one can go on an airplane to quickly move to the destination or even abroad. Otherwise, if covering the cost of using airplane is burdensome, they can simply use buses, trains, or ships. Access to other options which customers can decide in compliance with their ability, surely made their lives convenient.
Finally, people inevitably confront difficult times in life. They sometimes reprimand others or blame on the environment for these difficulties. Notwithstanding, it should be admitted that the overall lifestyle and standards of our surroundings have gradually shifted to enhancement. On one hand, technological developments have facilitated life. On the other hand, availability of varying options have made our lives comparably comfortable than when our grandparents were young. Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 결론이 어디있습니까? 독립형 에세이 구조에 있어서 결론이 중요합니다. 결론이 하는 역활은 전체적인 에세이를 마무리하는 역활을 합니다. 또 너무 장황하게 에세이를 서술하였습니다. 세 가지 이유를 서술하는 것 보다는 두 가지 이유로도 충분히 본인의 의견을 전달할 수 있다고 생각합니다. 지금 이 에세이에서도 보았듯이 세 가지 이유를 서술하다 보면 에세이 자체가 너무 장황하게 변할 수 가 있습니다. 따라서 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 본인의 의견을 전달하는 것이 가장 좋다고 생각합니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |