The current informative society, promoted with the advancement in technology, has provided possible opportunities which one can to indirectly experience foreign culture. Nowadays, people no longer need to spend exorbitant airplane ticket price for a world tour, but can easily sit on their couch at home to learn other cultures in depth. Although this seemingly profitable opportunity may be advantageous, I personally believe that it cannot utterly fulfill what can be learned about a foreign culture by actually visiting the country. (Make it clear)
First, secondary resources such as books, movies and the internet risks having faulty or exaggerated information to attract consumers. Their main focus, unfortunately, is not to deliver a realistic depiction of foreign culture, but is often to use sensational topics to be sold. They sometimes lack accurate information, and consumers are unable to entirely understand the culture through simple reading and watching visually. They will eventually be missing the most impressive parts of the culture that can only be acquired from actually being mingled into the culture. My visit to Paris can be used here to elaborate my explanation. Paris, before I had visited the city, was a fascinating country that triggered my imagination. From what I had read through a guidance book, Paris was a fabulous and advanced city with its distinctive culture. However, the reality was different to from my initial thoughts high ideals. Paris was unclean, a city of multi ethnic cultures due to colonization and changed my insight of viewing the city. (Awkward structure) Since then, I realized that secondary sources can only be used as a supplement and not the main source.
Second, what makes learning varying cultures more valuable is not from reading a book or watching a film but from traveling and spending precious time with one's beloved friends and families. Although it is possible to study about other cultures, it is more significant and memorable to learn from direct experiences. This is the fundamental reason why people are willing to work hard and earn money to visit other countries. (Not exactly matched with your thesis) How we learn about different countries, in fact anything, is not solely from secondary sources reinterpreted by others' perspective. (What is main subject?) We feel and understand using senses and through experiences we learn more sophisticated information.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | Score | Fair 19-22 | - 어려운 문법으로만 구성하려고 하는 것이 아닌 쉬운 문법으로 정확하게 영어식 표현을 이끌어내는 것이 중요합니다. - 이유를 명료하게 설명하여 주셨습니다.
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