▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, the amount of stress in life
plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where
they work or play. Some people think that stress levels’ change the change in stress level can improve
their health, while others do not think differently. Respective sides may have their own reasons
to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that people’s
health can be improved by the amount of stress in their life. There are several
reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, stress is a cause of all
diseases. It will disturb people to live healthy. Particularly, it prevents the
hormones secretion and disrupts circulation. When people manage the stress
well, they can be healthier than do not. For example, John, one of my old
friends, was very stressful due to his work. He got exhausted easily and felt
low. What was worse, he caught a heart disease. That time, he wanted to
overcome the symptoms and then tried to eat healthy food such as organic
vegetable salads which had not had before. Also he He did exercise regularly and
sometimes he did all day. However, he could not be better about tiredness and illness overcome tiredness and illness.
After he had visited a doctor and heard that you had not to be stressful the danger of stress. To be
healthier, he quit his work and enjoyed his life peacefully. He did not need to
be stressful by minding the work. Consequently, he could be healthy soon. He
was always happy and could not feel blue. Thanks to the low amount of stress in
his life, he started to maintain a good condition by managing the stress. He
showed characteristics of a nice face and a high energy. Without managing the
amount of stress, he would have fallen depression and got poor health.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantages of dealing with the amount of stress far outweigh those of
food qualities and the amount of exercise for the reasons I have mentioned
above. All in all, the importance of becoming low stressful cannot be overestimated
in life.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 너무 불필요한 설명을 많이 하는 거 같습니다. 특히 예시에 너무 집착 하는 거 같습니다. 불필요하게 모든 현상을 설명할 필요는 없는 거 같습니다. 예시에 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 이유를 서포트 할 수 있는 구체적 설명을 좀 더 서술하는 것 이 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 인트로에서는 여러가지 이유를 서술한다고 하였는데 단락은 하나의 이유만 서술 되었습니다. 이러한 상황에서는 장황하게 하나의 이유를 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 두 개의 이유를 서술하는 것 이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |