People should carefully plan activities for their free time. |
Nowadays, many people emphasize the significance to plan everything. Because of that, nowadays, people tend to plan even for free time. While it may seem right that planning is important so as to utilize time well, I wholeheartedly believe that it is much better to imporovise rather than planning thoroughly when it comes to planning activities for free time. Not only is this because meticulous planning for free time can hinder people to full enjoy the time, but it is also because people can waste priceless time by mere planning. To begin with, people cannot fully enjoy their free time when they are forced to follow the plan. I believe that free time are given to spend freely, not to be obliged to follow the plan like a machine during the limited amount of time. Since we do not know what will happen during the free time, I think that planning is not indispensable. For instance, last year, I decided to go to France, which is far from my home country, South Korea, with one of my friends during the summer break. Both of us were very excited even though we had only three days which is not enough to go abroad. Therefore, so as to fully utilize the limited amount of time, we planned all the things to do meticulously. However, when we arrived in France, we were completely shocked because it was raining. Since we did not care about the weather, it was embarrassing and we had no choice but to change the plan. However, unlike our expectation, following the plan was not as interesting as improvising things to do, since we felt like we had to follow it like an obligation. Accordingly, albeit we paid a lot of money for our trip, it was neither interesting nor memorable. On top of that, people can squander their precious time by planning. While some people say that time for planning is imperative to have a good time, I am convinced that it is not very effective because we can save time for doing other fun activities by not planning. To illustrate this point, one of my colleages was very good at scheduling, and everyone envied him because he always got a good score on tests thanks to his thorough plans. However, when it comes to playing, no one tried to follow his plan because he squandered so much time by thinking about what to do. For instance, last week, our teacher went abroad due to an important meeting, so all students in my class got three hours to play. While everyone other than him improvised plan and went to play soccer right away, he thought about what to do for nearly one hour and went to the bookstore. I definitely believe it is not a good idea to waste one-third of time for planning because had it not been for this time for planning, he would have been able to do other activities which can be more interesting and meaningful. In conclusion, while I agree that it is important to plan for success in life, I believe that people should not concentrate on scheduling when they got some free time. This is because they can waste their time. Also, they cannot fully enjoy the given time because of plan which looks like an obligation. In the end, I believe people should try to be relaxed and should not be streessed out by planning to enjoy their free time more. |
음 일단 끝까지 한번 읽어봤습니다.
1. 문법 에러가 소소히 있습니다. 그리고 좀 설명이 덜된부분이있어요.
2. Body2에서 eg들면서 친구분이 thorough plan 덕에 좋은 점수를 받았다고 하셨고 친구들은
envy했다고 하셨습니다. 다른건 접어두고 한개만 잡자면 envy했다고 하고 그 뒤에는
놀때는 친구들이 follow를 안하려했다고 하셨는데
envy = follow (X) 시기한거가아니라 따라하고싶어했다고 하셨어야하구요.
3. In conclusion 하시고 또 In the end 하셨는데 redundant합니다.
4. 이게 제일 중요한건데요
Topic에 disagree를 하셨으면 negative reasoning 절대 하지마세요.
Not carefully planning을 하면서 얻어지는 positive한 reason을 써주세요.
설득력이 떨어지기 때문이고 보는 입장에서도 좀 싫다고 해야할까요?
A: 난 펜이 샤프보다 좋아.
B: 정말? 난 샤프가 더 좋은데.
왜냐하면 펜은 쓰고나면 지우지 못하잖아? 더군다나 잉크터지면 정말 치우기 힘들어.
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B: 정말? 난 샤프가 더 좋은데.
샤프는 한번 쓰고 난 뒤에도 지울수 있고, ~~해서 좋아.
앞에 것과 뒤에 것 중 어떤게 좀 더 설득력이 있고 보기 좋은지 아시겠죠?
칭찬할 것은 Fluency가 좋았습니다.