topic:In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers of television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice.
먼저 이런 topic 이 나오면 어떻게 써야 하는지에 대해...
세가지 색깔로 highlight 했죠? 이 에세이에서 대답하셔야 할 세가지입니다. intro 에 있든, body에 있든 어딘가에는 있어야 합니다.
As technology develops and makes our lives more convenient, we are losing our important things(toefl essay에서 things 라는 단어는 되도록 피하세요^^ 여기에서는 important elements, values등으로 대체할수 있겠네요.). Among them, I think(unnecessary), the most significant one is the roles of schools. (schools are losing their roles in a society.)Even, some countries have already permitted students to study at their homes by using technology such as computers and television.Nowadays, there are a few schools, such as Korean Gandhi School (그냥만들어내세요;ㅋㅋ저도저학교 이름만들어봣지 사실 그런지는 몰라요;ㅋㅋ) that actually use computers for an entire course. Do you think that is right?(rhetorical question은 될수있으면쓰지마세요) In my thought(opinion), that is not(it will not be very beneficial). I think attending (traditional) school is more effective for students than home-schooling. Here are the reason(reasons for my position.) which I think.
First, attending school students can live a well-regulated life.(First, attending the traditional school can offer students a regular routine of lifestyle.) I think the greatest problem between both students who are attend schools and study at home is whether they can live a regular life or not.(I think the greatest difference between students who attend schools and who stay at home is the ablity to live under a plan.) On this point, the attending school students can live more regular life. (Students going to schools will be controlled under the school schedule.) They have to get up early to go to school and follow the school schedule(time plan) everyday. In contrast, the home-schooling students are easy to lazy(are in an easier position to become lazy). In my experience, when I have to spend a day myself like school vacation(For instance, I find it very hard to get any work done during the summer holidays, because I am free from tight schedules and therefore very laid back.), I often idled.
The second reason is about sociality which they can gain from schools.(Moreover, students can learn social skills from schools) they may be meet many people there.(없애세요) From this, they can make a wide human relation.(Schools are the best places to meet new people.) And they may follow the school's rules.(학교의 rule이 어떻게 social skill을 배우는데 affect 할수 있나요;;?) So they can comprehend a way of living together. (Thus, ~~~~~ conclusive sentence.)
With these reasons, I insist that we should attend schools even though the education in their(our) homes is more convenient. And (문장 and로 시작하지 마세요!) we should remind (ourselves) that schools are (just like) another home (which educate students not only knowledge but also basic skills for life) where educate students for human being instead of just learn knowledge.
essay structure 로 보면, 첫번째 바디에서 학교교육을 옹호하는 동시에 반론을 펼치고 두번째바디에서 님의 의견을 더 확실하게 하기위해 예를 또 드셨죠. 좋습니다.
단어 사용도 좋으신거 같애요. 몇가지 빼먹으신것 빼고는 잘하셨어요.
두가지만 아쉬운점:
1. 예시가 좀더 specific 했으면 좋겠습니다.문제에서도 그걸 요구했기 때문에....비록 뻥이라도 좋아요 ㅋㅋ
2. 각 바디마다 conclusive sentence를 넣어서 좀더 완결된 하나하나의 문단이 되면 좋겠습니다.
transition word 같은거 군데군데 넣어주시고 하면...
문제의 답에도 충실하고 이모저모로 좋은 essay가 될것 같습니다.^_^ 제가 correct 한건 너무 연연하지 마시고요 ㅋㅋ (그냥 제 스탈로 쓴것이니...) 화이팅!