▶ Your Answer : Some people think that parents should not let their children watch television. However, I believe that parents do not need to avoid letting them watch television in order to encourage children to study harder. This is because watching television enables them to relieve stress and they can gain informative knowledge from TV programs.
First, watching television enables students to relieve stress. Understanding the daily environment of children and the potential role of watching television is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, once children are at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such an exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears them down them. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, students can watch TV after finishing their homework. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from their studies. Consequently, letting them watch TV allows students to relieve stress and this pastime can encourage children to study harder.
Second, letting students watch TV enables them to gain informative knowledge. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in "The Korean Herald", which claims that educational television programs can help students to gain informative knowledge better. My own experience also demonstrates some advantages of educational TV programs. I used to watch educational programs during my childhood, because I could get a lot of knowledge about science such as the history of science and interesting recent study about physics. This encouraged me to study science harder in high school and eventually i I decided to go to the university to study physics more. In this regard, I learned that letting students watch TV enables them to gain informative knowledge.
To sum up, I believe that parents do not have to avoid letting them watch TV in order to encourage children to study harder for the following reasons: to relieve stress and gain informative knowledge from TV programs. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 같은 표현을 반복하기보다는 다양한 표현을 활용해서 paraphrasing해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 사소하게 들어간 문법오류도 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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