▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that it is important for government to provide money for things that
are beautiful not just for things that are practical. However, I believe that it is important
for government to focus more focusing on the practicality for two reasons. This is because highly
practical things enable people to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of
life.
First,
highly practical things enable people to relieve stress. Understanding the
daily environment of people and the potential role of practical thing is
necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, once, people are at work,
they have to endure countless documents and continue to read more even at home.
Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. As a
way to manage the ensuing stress, people can use the practical facilities which
government built such as a rest center. Even if the center’s appearance does
not look nice, it frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from work. If
government care about the appearance, practicality would be decrease and people
could not relieve stress well. 질문 내용에 충분한 답변이 되기에는 논점이 맞지 않습니다. 정부가 사람들의 스트레스를 풀어주어야 한다는 당위성이 부족할뿐 아니라, 미적인 부분에도 신경쓴다고 해서 무조건 실용성이 떨어지는 것은 아니기 때문에 설득력이 약합니다.
Second,
highly practical things enable people to enjoy a better quality of life. In
response to the increasing role of practical things, many expert opinions and
research statistics reinforce the idea that highly practical things enable people
to strengthen relationships with families. For example, a park which have practical
tools encourage people to cooperate with their families even if the appearance of
there does not look nice. It builds a platform not only to spent spend time together
but also to create lasting memories, allowing people to become more socially
aware and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. 마찬가지로 정부가 실용적인 것에만 치중하면 된다는 입장보다는 '삶의 질'에 억지로 실용적인 내용을 끼워맞췄다는 느낌이 듭니다. 실용적인 부분에만 초점을 두어야 하는 이유와 당위성을 명확히 설명해줄 수 있는 논리가 필요합니다.
To
sum up, I believe that it is important for government to focus more focusing
on the practicality for the following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality
of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for
the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 주제가 묻는 것은 '정부가' 돈을 쓸 때 실용성에만 집중하는 것이 나은지, 미적인 부분도 신경쓸 필요가 있는지이므로 정부의 입장에 좀 더 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어줄 필요가 있어 보입니다. 현재 내용은 사람들의 스트레스 해소와 삶의 질 향상이 main이 되고 그 내용에 실용성을 끼워맞췄다는 느낌이 더 많이 들기 때문에 논리 면에서 감점요인이 클 수 있습니다. 모델에세이를 활용하실 때 주제에 좀 더 잘 녹아들 수 있는 내용들을 사용해서 흐름을 만드는 연습을 하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
|