▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
50’s parents did not understand their children as much as they do in the
present. However, I disagree with the idea for the following two subsequent
reasons. The concepts of differences in shift of children’s playing methods and
spending time with families clearly illustrate the theme.
To begin with, means of enjoyable things have changed
rapidly over a few years. For In the past, children usually played outside like
playground, but these days children usually play online games with their
friends. Therefore, enjoyable cultures are so different that generation gap
between two groups could be built nowadays. I will bring up my personal story
as an example. A few days ago, when I get went to my cousin’s house, I could not
have conversations with my cousin who was elementary school student, because he
was caught up with the online games even when there were relatives. His father
did not understand his behavior and attitude. The reason was that when he was
teenager, he did not act like that when relatives came into his house. The
example conspicuously describes my insistence. 이 에세이의 주제는 옛날 시대 만큼 요즘 시대 아이들을 이해를 잘 못한다라는 에세이입니다. 지금 본인이 제시한 설명과 이유는 좀 주제와 어긋나는 거 같습니다. 요즘 시대 사람들을 이해를 못하는 것은 enjoyable 한 것 들때문에 이렇게 됬다가 아니라 사람들이 기계 문명 발달을 통해 기계에만 의존하므로 소통의 부제가 일어났다라는 식의 에세이를 서술하시는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
On top of that, in modern society parents
are living live a busy and hectic life because they are under cutthroat competition,
so they do not have enough time to communicate with their families. They should
make a living to support their families. Therefore, it is more likely that they
have a little chance to share their emotion with their families. There was a
recent survey which was done by Harvard University social science researchers
with more than 500 parents as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to see
how much they spent time with their families. According to the survey, of 500
people surveyed, over 80 percent said that they had few family gathering. This was
why they were too busy to spare their time with their families. The result of
the survey distinctly proves my viewpoint. 예시 부분을 이렇게 하는 것 보다는. 사람들이 바빠졌기 때문에 서로의 소통의 부제가 생겼다. 소통의 부제가 생겼기 때문에 아이들과 부모님의 상의도 사라지게 되었다 그렇기 때문에 현재 부모님들이 이해할 수 가 없게 되었다라고 하시는 게 좋을 거 같아요. 특히 아이들도 경쟁속에서 할 게 많다라는식으로 서술하면 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
As I mentioned above, not only children’s
playing methods but also spending time with families is in direct position to
my assertion. In this regard, I am strongly under the impression that Today’s
parents understand their children better than they did in the 50’s. 결론 부분이 인트로 부분이랑 말이 안맞는 거 같아요. 인트로에서는 do not understand인데 결론은 이렇게 서술되어 있네요 설명 부탁 드립니다.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 각 바디에서 제가 참석해 준 것처럼. 구체적인 설명과 본인이 설명하신 이유를 서포트 잘 할 수 있는 예시가 나와야지 좋을 거 같아요. 각 바디에 제가 설명해준 부분을 참고 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 인트로와 결론에서 본인의 의견을 일치 시키기 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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