▶ Your Answer : A long time ago in Korea, people could buy any food or something. The reason is, they do not have enough money to buy. 이 부분이 개연성이 없는 것이 전 문장에서는 예전에는 한국에 있는 사람들이 모든 물건과 음식을 살 수 있다고 했는데 지금 이 문장은 그들은 돈이없어서 못 샀다라고 서술되어 있습니다. Following that, they People eager to earn money not only for living but also for dream. This generation believe believes that it is very important to make a large amount of money. However, me and my generations think different form them. I strongly I personally prefer earning comfortable living to making a large amount of money for two essential reasons. To begin with, money is not a first priority. Without a doubt, people desire to earn money because they want to live comfortable. On the other hand, they are confused that a lot of money make them comfortable. (이 부분은 개연성이 부족한거 같습니다 왜 이러한 문장이 나왔는지 이해가 가지 않습니다) To illustrate my point of view, I would like to talk about my experience. When For example, when I was a university student. I did not have enough money to do what I want. After concerning, I started the part time job seven times for a week. I thought it would be happy but it is not. there is no time to spend money and not happy, Furthermore, my back was hurt because of numerous amount of work. It was the most arduous period for me. After that, I realized that I do not want money without comfortable life. On top of that, a large number of people also have same thinking as like me. They also want comfortable life but for a myriad of money with struggling. There is poll was was a poll conducted by a young generation with 200 people as respondent to understand the consensus view of this. A majority of respondents replied that they rather comfortable life than just a lot of money. An overwhelming 60% had responded that they do not need any money but their life. They said that money is for living comfortable. To sum up, there is two reasons why me and people pursue comfortable living than money. One is according to my experience and the other one is an overwhelming of 60% people choose the first answer. As a consequence, I firmly believe that comfortable life is much better than just having a lot of money. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 이 에세이에서의 근본적인 문제점은 개연성이 없습니다. 개연성이 없다는 말이 무엇이면 각 단락 안에서의 문장들이 서로 따로 논다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 따라서 좀 더 에세이를 서술하 실 때 좀 더 문장들 끼리 개연성 있게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 불필요한 문장들이 보입니다. 이러한 부분들을 조심하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. . |