▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who think that moving to a new place will make it difficult for people to keep in touch with their old friends, which results in losing friends. However, in my opinion, moving and living at a new city or country can be a good idea because it provides new opportunities to meet new people, and with smart devices people can still maintain their original relationships. To begin with, even though people move to somewhere far away from their hometown, there are lots of chances to make new friends. People can experience a wide range of new cultures with new people, establishing great social network. From my personal experience, I stayed in Cambodia for a year. I worked at a research institute as an intern, and there were a number of co-workers who were from a variety of cultures. I got intimate with another interns, and we traveled around Cambodia. Finally I could have several best friends there. This experience indicates that people do not need to concern about losing friends due to new chances in new living place. as there is always an opportunity to interact with new people. On top of that, these days due to a remarkable technological development, people can contact with friends who live far away. Nowadays not only voice calls, but video calls are available. Without special and time constrains, it is possible for people to keep contacting with their old acquaintances. In addition, the old friends will stay as ever regardless of a long distance. For instance, a friend of mine had gone went to Canada to study abroad for 5 years. Though it was such a long time, we kept in touch on a regular basis. After she came back to me, we have still remained as best friends to each other. this means that when moving to a remote site, it is sure to sustain their existing buddies. To sum up, when moving to other place, there are many opportunities to get along with new people, and people will not lose their original friends due to using of smart devices for contacting to contact. In this regard, I firmly believe that moving to a new city or country is not a bad idea. Good: 24~30 점수: 27 약간의 문법적 오류들이 있긴 하지만 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 망치진 않았습니다. 본인이 첨삭을 받으 신 후 저검하여서 다시 서술했다고 하는데, 첨삭에 들어갔던 부분들이 잘 반영된 거 같습니다. 이전 보다도 문법적 오류가 현저히 떨어졌고 각 단락의 개연성이 잘 보여지는 거 같습니다. 문장들이 따로 논다는 느낌이 아니라 서로서로 엮여 있다라는 느낌을 받았습니다. 전반적으로 굉장히 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이입니다. 앞으로도 이렇게 서술하시면 원하는 점수를 얻을 수 있을 거 같습니다. |