▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that the competition in the children's sports is much more important than the
fun of sports. They may have their reasons for that thought. However, in my
opinion, children should play sports for fun rather than for competition. This
is because the fun is the main objective of the sports and excessive emphasis of
competition can hurt the health of children.
To
begin with, the objective of sports is to collectively enjoy the activities. In
the other words, the aim of sports is not to win other players but to have fun
with other players. The Olympics can be a good example to explain this. The
origin of Olympics is from that the leaders of the civic countries in Athene who wanted
to make the cities incorporated. As a result, they started the sports games in
which many players from all of the cities participated. Since then, it has been became
the world festival for all people from all over the world can enjoy. 스포츠의 주된 목적을 강조하는 것만으로는 나의 주장이 설득력을 갖기 어렵습니다. 스포츠의 주된 목적이 재미라는 점만 언급해서는 '그러니까 아이들이 경쟁보다 재미를 위해 스포츠를 하도록 해야 한다'라는 입장으로 연결하기 어렵습니다. '왜 그래야 하는지'가 더 잘 드러나는 주장을 만들어주세요.
On
top of that, the excessive emphasis that the players have to win the others can
hurt the children. The emphasis can be a big burden for children. If they practice
excessively harder, then this it would undermine their health. 이기기 위해 열심히 하면 건강을 해친다는 연결이 너무 비약적입니다. 경쟁의식으로 인해 스트레스를 받는다거나 하는 식으로 좀 더 연결이 매끄러울 수 있는 논리 설명을 만들어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. For example, when I
was in middle school, my friend was a tennis player. Her parents wanted to make
her a representative player of Korea so she practiced very hard. She played
tennis every day for 8 hours every day. Eventually, this became a big burden for her knees
and she quit the tennis. Recently, when I met her, she said that playing tennis
at during the middle school years was is a toilsome memory for her rather than enjoyable one. 대표 선수가 되기 위해 운동을 전문적으로 해서 몸이 상한 것은 원하지 않는 진로를 택해서 무리하고 고생한 사례에 해당하므로 '경쟁을 위한 스포츠를 하는 것'과는 논점이 다릅니다.
To
sum up, given that the end of playing sports and the fact that forcing children to win
others can be a poison to them children, children should play sports for fun rather
than for competition. For these reasons, adults should teach children the
ability to enjoy the game with their friends and this can be expanded to their
life.
Comment : 주제가 묻는 내용은 '아이들이' 경쟁보다 재미를 위해 스포츠를 해야 하는 이유이므로, 스포츠의 기본 정신이나 운동을 진로로 삼아서 부담을 갖는 경우의 내용은 주제와 관련이 없습니다. 아이들이 경쟁을 위한 스포츠를 하면 안 좋은 점이나, 흥미를 위해 스포츠를 해야 좋은 점 등을 더 생각해보시고 설득력있게 풀어내기 좋은 논리 흐름을 다시 만들어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. '왜 그런지'를 설명할 수 있고 그에 적합한 사례를 연결해서 제시하는 부분에 많이 신경써주시면 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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