▶ Your Answer : There
are some disagreements over whether or not people who live in the modern
society would be more pleased pleasured if they had less possessions. objects. Some people believe
that it is unequivocal that people feel pleasure feed pleasured when they have less money. My
view, however, is that it is more likely that for today's people who to have a lot of money to feel more pleasure. pleasured. This is because there is no inconvenience with enough possessions. Moreover, there is the
altruistic life.
To
begin with, people in contemporary society are able to experience inconvenience
if they do not have enough money or objects. When they confront an emergency
situation or need the a certain object immediately, if they do not have a practical
and apropos appropriate source, they will not overcome the circumstance. Thus, it is
possible that they are stressed out gravely and waste take exorbitant time to solve in solving the problem. For example, there was pandemic and deleterious disease called MERS
in Republic of Korea. The government did not had not to take an appropriate appropriated action to
prevent the disease from spreading. This was due to that fact that the government
did not have a germane and pragmatic guideline and medicine to prevent.
Therefore, tThe government could have hindered hinder the disease from spreading disseminating in a
rapid rate if they had had already a wide range of medicines. '개인'의 행복과 소유에 대해 설명해야 하는 문제에서 '정부'가 적절한 대처를 하지 못한 사례를 제시하는 것은 논점이 맞지 않습니다.
In
addition, people can make benevolent life when?. People with a lot of possessions
make it possible to distribute what they have to the poor and the homeless. This is
because donating what they have has no influence on their life. With the charitable
mind, they would relieve their stress by seeing the appearance that the poor is
happy and be venerable and recognized from others. For instance, Bill Gates who
has a lot of money thanks to inventing a computer and establishing Microsoft usually had a tendency to donates a lot of money to the poor and the homeless. Even, hHe even does did not want to give his son and daughter his money. The characteristic led a myriad
of haves to patronize their money without the avaricious mind and the quality
of life to be ameliorated. As a result, in the present, he is honored from
others around the world. 돈이 많을 때 쓸 수 있는 일종의 방식 소개일뿐 '더 많이 가질수록 더 행복하다'라는 요지를 보여주지는 못하는 내용이므로 off-topic이 됩니다. 주제와의 연관성을 다시 한 번 점검해주세요.
To
summarize, people can avoid experience inconvenience, and moreover people can be respected
from others with more possessions. Considering the above two reasons, it is evident evidence that having a
lot of things objects would make people happy.
Comment : 질문 내용은 '많은 것을 가질수록 행복한가'이므로 많은 것을 가진 개인이 어떤 면에서 행복한지를 중점적으로 서술해주어야 합니다. 본론1의 사례나 본론2의 전체 내용은 주제에서 벗어나는 내용들이기 때문에 감점요인이 클 수 있습니다. 개인의 행복에서 많은 소유가 어떤 기여를 하는지 초점을 두고 내용 흐름을 다시 잡아보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 단어 사용 오류나 문법오류도 종종 보이니 표현도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) |