▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that it is better to learn about
foreign countries from newspapers and magazines than to visit those countries.
However, if I want to learn about the countries more, I would visit there rather than
read some newspapers and magazines. As I have grown, my parents encouraged me to
visit US to learn about the country. They insisted that I be able to know about
the country more specifically when I visited there. In other words, even though
I watched news such as CNN and ABC, I would have not been aware of it. After I
visited the country, I could realize that their saying was right (일단 미국에 간 얘기는 인트로에 적합하지 않습니다 적절하지 않는 예시를 사용했어요). I will
explain why for two reasons according to my experience.
First of all, I was able to know what happened in the area
only I visited there. For example, in the US, I was able to know that a food
company named Daisy was in a success by developing a local food named Ssba. The
fruit was only grown in the US, and it was only known by native people. Furthermore,
there was no information about it in the newspapers as well as magazines. This
is because it was impossible that it was exported because of its unique
characteristic. Daisy developed it a lot and the company made can products, ice
creams, pasta noodles, etc. I really liked those products and many friends who
have lived in the US for a long time liked it as well. On the other hand, if I
had not visited US, I could not know about these products and enjoy it.
Secondly, the more I visit the country, the more I can
understand the country. To be more specific, I could prepare my career to get a
job in there. For instance, I was in Seattle for about 1 year. I went there
because the city was famous for IT companies. I was majoring computer science,
so I really wanted to get a job in there. In there, I could make a lot of
friends in there who works in Amazon, Google, and Samsung. I could obtain a lot
of tips to get in there as well as know what I prepare first. It was very
helpful for me. On the other hand, if I had not visited in there I could have
not only not be a friend with them, but also not what I should prepare to apply
to the company. According to the newspapers and magazines, it was not enough
for me to understand the companies because the information is not sufficient for
me. (좀 더 구체적인 설명이 필요할 거 같습니다) Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 반복적이고 불필요한 문장들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분을 꼭 고쳐야 할 거 같습니다. 반복적인 문장은 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문 입니다. 또한 가장 중요한 결론이 없습니다. 결론이 있어야 에세이의 끝맺음을 알 수 있는데 없습니다. 꼭 결론을 써주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |