▶ Your Answer : Some people think that children's purpose of playing sports should be for fun rather than competition. However, in my opinion, children have to more focus on competition while they play sports. The reasons are that the competition motivates children to make self-development and kids are able to learn that it is always significant to do best. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, competition from sports provokes children to improve their own skills. When kids realize that being winner in competitive situation is important the importance of winning the game, children will spend more time to develop their abilities. For example, there was a study conducted by the Korean Ministry of education to determine whether exercising competition can affect improvement of children's learning abilities (주제를 벗어난 예시인거 같습니다 관점 자체가 틀렸습니다). There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of students who study and exercise concurrently. The second group consisted of students who only study. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that the group who study and play sports simultaneously were able to learn more subjects than the other group could learn more subjects. This is because, the kids Kids (this is because는 문장 을 서술할 때는 적절치 않습니다) who play sports are more competitive, and their will is also strong. So, they did study hard because of their robust will. On top of that, sports teach that it is always important to do their best. how to do their best To be specific, they students (they의 대상이 모호하므로 명확한 대상을 서술해야합니다) can realize that they have to have hard efforts to do well in order to do well, they have to put a plethora of efforts. For instance, when I was 10 years old, I learned how to swim with a swimming coach. But, I thought that I was very bad at swimming because it was very difficult for me to balance my body while using my legs. However, my coach said that I did not do my best. As I listened the coach's saying, I did not understand what he mean meant (과거에 대한 예시기 때문에 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). But, I soon realized that when I try to practice very hard every moment and do my best, I am finally able to overcome my present level can overcome my present level. After this experience, I could have excellent mind that I must always try my best. To sum up, competition inflames children's motivation and teach teaches (competition는 단수 주어 입니다) how they do their best. In this regard, I firmly believe that children would have to play sports to get competitive mind rather than joyful experience.
점수: 20 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 유를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 이유에 대한 정보가 많이 부족합니다. 이유를 서술하고 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것 보다는 이유를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 각 단락의 예시들이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 주제를 벗어나지 않는 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |