In Korea, more and more people take a trip
to other countries in the summer or winter. People who do not have enough time
to plan their trips on their own prefer to choose group tours. Even though a
group tour is convenient and takes the anxiety of daily planning, they are more
expensive and restrictive. (그래서 본인의 주장은 무엇인가요? 주장을 명확하게 서술하시길 바랍니다)
First of all, we can save our money by
going on a trip on our own. If we decide to use group tours, we have to pay for
services that a tour agency offers such as a tip and commission. On the other
hand, if we plan our trips by ourselves, we don’t need to pay for the tour
agency and also we can find cheaper options for our travels such as air tickets,
hotels, and transportation than a group tour do not have spend money on guide tours and select the lowest price for air tickets, hotels and transportation. For example, last year, my
younger sister traveled to the region of Japan called Hokkaido with her
friends. When she decided to visit the region, she was worried about her budget
since the air tickets from Korea to Hokkaido is more expensive than other
regions in Japan. Therefore, she started to search cheap air tickets and hotels
with her friends by using travel applications which provides useful information
related to a trip. Her try was really successful. She could not only visit
Hokkaido but also stay longer than the period she expected. This shows that
going on a trip by oneself is more economical than taking a costly group tour.
Moreover, traveling by ourselves is not as
restrictive as group tours. On group tours, a tour agency determine itineraries
so that people taking a group tour have to follow them determines itineraries (agency는 단수 주어 입니다). On the other In contrast, people
traveling on their own can choose where they want to go or what they want to do
during their trips. Thus, when people find out sites that they are fascinated,
they are able to spend more time and make memorable events there can have more valuable experience. For instance,
when I was at university student (student가 없으면 나는 대학이다 라고 됩니다), I traveled to the beautiful Island of Korea called
Jeju with my friends. My friends and I planned our trip by ourselves and
decided to use bikes on the trip. Actually, riding a bike in the summer was not
easy on Jeju Island because of high temperature and rainy spells. However, it
was a great decision since we could visit an amazing place with old trees and
lots of flowers. If we had selected a package tour, we could not have visited
such a special place. The memory visiting the impressive site is still in my
mind and, my friends and I often talked about how wonderful the trip was. In
this sense, if we want to make memorable events on our trip, we should make our
own plan on trips.
All in all, package tours are usually more
expensive and restrictive than traveling by oneself. Thus, taking a trip on our
own make it possible for us to travel for a long time with low budgets and to
create special memories. Although making a trip schedule is tiresome, there are
lots of advantages of traveling ourselves.
점수: 26
인트로에서 본인의 주장이 정확하게 나타나지 않았던 에세이였습니다. 지금 이 에세이는 정확하게 본인의 주장만 잘 표현했으면 아주 잘 서술한 에세이였을 거 같습니다. 각 단락의 구체적인 설명과 적절한 예시 사용은 왜 우리가 여행을 갈 때 가이드를 대리고 여행을 하는 것 보다는 혼자서 여행을 하는게 좋은 건지를 명확하고 논리정연하게 서술하고 있는 거 같습니다. 잘 서술하였습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.