▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that cooperation ability is more important in today than it was before. However, I disagree with the above ideas for two subsequent reasons: we can work alone by using computers and personality is the most essential aspect to succeed in many job area (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다). To begin with, these days, we usually work with many smart gadgets such as computer and smart tablet. Those equipment are so handy and efficient that it can easily alternate our coworkers. Many people can continue their professional tasks in their house. I'll bring up my personal story as an example. My For example, my (앞 부분은 너무 구어체 같기 때문에 필요가 없습니다) older sister is book editor which was employed in the huge publication company. She was in charge of many important project in her company. Therefore, she should commute on the company every day except for Sunday. Someday, the company suggested her to work on her house and she accepted it. There was no need to meet her colleague for her tasks. During last 1 year, she worked independently but she finished her project successfully. On top of that, now, personality is the essential part for the success in the professional field. Many people said that there was no competency without the creativity and we should make and keep our personality peculiarly. In the past, cooperation skill was so important because many people work together. For example, the whole villagers gave their assistance for their family and friends since the work in the agriculture asks huge size of work. According to the study by Seoul National University of Education, personality is more important virtue than cooperation skill in the 21st centuries. In conclusion, we can work well without coworkers by using computer and personality is the most essential aspect to succeed in many job area. In regard with this, these days, being able to work with other people is less critical than it was before.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제가 있는 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 구체적 설명이 열거되지 않은 체로 예시로 넘어갑니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 이유를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 본인이 서술한 이유가 주제와 전혀 관련이 없습니다. 좀 더 관련이 있는 주제를 가지고 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |