▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether because modern life is very complex, having the capacity to plan and organize is necessary for young people. In general, some people might say that it is dispensable for them to have the ability to manage and organize. In my opinion, however, I strongly believe that it is indispensable for children to organize and manage for the following two subsequent reasons. (manage and organize 라는 표현이 너무 자주 반복되고 있기 때문에 동의어, 대명사, 생략 등을 적절히 이용해서 대체해가면서 적어주셔야 합니다.)
First and foremost, having children learn the ability to manage their tasks is beneficial for them because the ability that can teach children a responsible attitude will be a great weapon in the future. To be specific, as modern societies are increasingly become becoming complexed, today’s corporations stipulates people having the ability to manage their plans responsibly. Furthermore, organizing demanding tasks and works helps people to better manage (무엇을 manage 하는지에 대한 단어가 추가되어야 합니다.) in their work places. For example, my uncle works at one of the a famous trade company in Korea, Han-Jin company. His company wanted to hire people who can plan and finish their works responsibly. Fortunately, my uncle learned in terms of an organized and responsible attitude through his parents in his teenage years. Eventually, he was hired immediately and he is successfully working at a desirable company.
In addition, the ability to plan and organize will help young people to get academic performances. To be specific, young people with the ability can do better their assignments and homeworks because they can build academic schedules themselves. For instance, there was a recent poll conducted by the Korea Board of Education with 200 middle school students as respondents. The purpose of the survey is to understand the consensus view of the ability plan a study schedule on their own. An overwhelming 84 percent responded that the skill of managing will allow students to get satisfying academic grades. Moreover, they admitted that without a planning skill, students might spend immense time only relishing their entertainment and joy that is abundant yet impure in modern times.
In conclusion, the ability to plan and organize allows young people to gain responsibility and satisfying academic performances. In this sense, young people should learn the ability to manage and organize in complexed modern times.
총평: 내용 자체는 적절한데, 전반적으로 반복되는 표현이 상당히 많아서 글을 단조롭게 만들고 있습니다. 반복되는 단어 및 표현을 대체할 수 있는 방법으로는 동의어의 활용, 대명사의 활용 그리고 (가능할 경우) 생략 등이 있으므로 이를 적절히 조합해서 글을 더 다채롭게 만들어주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)
|