▶ Your Answer :
When children spend a lot of time
practicing sports, there can be several advantages and disadvantages. are several advantages and disadvantages (따라서 본인의 주장은 무엇인가요?)
First of all, children who enjoy
practicing sports may be heathier than other children who do not enjoy any
sports become healthier. They are able to take mostly take part in many sports games like soccer, baseball,
and basketball with their friends. These sports games require the exercise such
as running and jumping. Since these outdoor activities
are aerobic exercise, it is definitely good for children who are growing into adulthood (어느 부분에 있어서 아이들에게 좋은 지 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다).
Second, children who spend their time on
practicing sport can get along with many friends. Usually, sports require five
or even over ten team players to start the game. Children are able to learn can learn leadership, responsibility and even friendship by communicating with their fellow
players to win the game. This leads children to grow people who have professional
social skills.
On the other hand, there are some disadvantages
despite of advantages above. To begin with, spending children’s excessive time
on sports could make them lose their interests in other academic subjects and
even lower their academic performances. As they invest their time on sports a
lot, they do not have enough time to focus on their studies. Also they may lose
interest in their studying and even stop doing it.
Moreover, parents or teacher have the
duty to let their children get interest in any type of academic subject - not
focusing on mere sports. Children should learn a lot of subjects as many as
possible since they have potential capability to
become everything they want. That is why parent should have great power to lead
their children in correct way.
In conclusion, parents must carefully
weigh the benefits and drawbacks of young children spending much of their free
time practicing sports spending time on sports.
점수: 21 일단 전체적으로 주제를 벗어났습니다. 지금 이 에세이의 주제는 장점을 택할 것인지 단점을 택할 것인지에 대한 에세이이지 장점 단점 을 다 말하라는 에세이가 아닙니다. 이러한 부분 때문에 그런지 에세이가 장황하고 장점이나 단점 모두 명확하게 전달이 되어지지 않는 거 같습니다. 따라서 좀 더 세분화 시켜서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|