▶ Your Answer : There
are a lot of various games to enjoy all around the world such as computer
games, smart phone games and so on and smart phone games. Many people prefer to enjoy those games,
but especially children and students like playing computer games. They also subject
to be addicted from those games. In this sense, I think that children should
not play computer games. This is because they are able to give up their task
that they have to do like study and other education activities. Also, their
health can be threatened mentally and physically by playing games. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First of all, children cannot
control themselves when they play games than adults, which led to addiction of
games. Children are fragile to temptation of computer games, so they tend to
enjoy games all day once they fall into games. However, the children also
cannot be back come back to normal easily. They cannot focus on their study and other
activities like hobbies or volunteering due to computer games. There was a
study conducted by Youth’s act Guidance Council to determine whether computer
games could affect children’s study and their life easily. There were two groups
monitored. The first group was formed of children who are not allowed to play
games from their parents. Their parents were asked to care more about their
children’s academic schedule and prevent their kids from playing games. The
other group consisted of children who are allowed to play games freely and
their parents were given the opposite direction that makes their kids play
games consistently. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that the
group who are allowed to play games was not able to concentrate on other
activities like study or hobbies than the group who focus more on other activities,
not games could not concentrate on their activities. This was because the children Children (this was because는 독립형 에세이에서 적절하지 않습니다) who play games were addicted from
computer games completely and were not able to study or reading books anymore
due to computer games. This study demonstrates that children should not play
games.
Second, children are on growing
phase, so they have to care their health children should take care of their health. Playing games could damage kid’s
health. There are a lot of disease that children can be able to get such as
disk, headache and so on related with their health such as disk and headache. In my experience, my cousin used to play games and sit
down in his chair all day. He very love playing games and do not anything
except games loved playing games. He had played mobile games during gym class and never had
relationship with other class mates because he played games every time when he
was in school. Other students did not try to have conversation and relationship
at all, which led him to get mentally sick. He was too lonely to get
depression lately. After he graduated from high school, he did not meet class
mates. Also, he got disk and other illness as well as, which can interference
of study and his school life. He did not have right posture playing games. He
was bending her neck and waist all day. So, he had to have operation and go
hospital often Also, he watched computer monitor or smart phone consistently,
so he got headache.. He still has to go to hospital due to disk and headache. He
said that he got mental illness and disk because he had focused on only computer
games when he was a kid. So, I think children should not be allowed to play
computer games as well as mobile games.
As a result, computer games can
damage children’s academies or other helpful off-campus activities since
computer games addict kids easily. Also, games can prevent kids from healthy
life. The kids that concentrated on only games can get disease like disk and
headache which hinder kids’ youth life.
점수: 22 인트로 부터 시작하여서 셜론까지 너무나 장황한 독립형 에세이입니다. 에세이 자체가 장황하다 보면 에세이가 전달하려고 했던 본질의 의미가 변질 될 뿐만 아니라 자기가 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어려워집니다. 다라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하고 명확하게 본인의 주장을 전달하는 것 입니다. 이것만 주의하면서 서술하시면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |