▶ Your Answer :
It is disputable whether all scientific
discoveries should be shared among people around the world, especially
governments or businesses should not keep discoveries secret. Depending on
one’s backgrounds and personal experiences, one’s perspective on this issue can
significantly differ. That being said, in my opinion, In my opinion, I advocate that
governments and businesses have to present all scientific discoveries to the
world for the following reason.
To begin with, the world becomes globalized
these days and one’s behavior can influence others, so it has seemed natural phenomenon
that governments or businesses should not hide their discoveries to settle problems as the world has become globalized, one's behavior can influence others (이유 부분은 항상 간결하게).
To be specific, a nation’s contamination of environments sort of air pollution
and water pollution can exceedingly spread to neighboring countries and it
might be solved unless governments or businesses ignore diverse scientific findings.
As a result, if governments or businesses are hostile to disclose any
scientific discoveries to others, there could be numerous problems. For example, my younger sister’s experience
can be used to validate the claim above. She works in the government of South
Korea and her department tried to regulate other countries’ emission of CO2
last year. This trial is originated due to the factor that many businesses in
Korea attempted to develop eco-friendly cars since several scientific
researches abroad had revealed that the prime cause of air pollution derived
from release of CO2. Thus, my sister and her co-workers in the governments of
Korea greatly endeavored to make promises between Korea and its nearby countries
to set the standard of emission of CO2, and the total amount of discharge of
CO2 has decreased successfully.
In conclusion, I am highly convinced that governments or businesses
are required to reveal all of scientific discoveries to the globe and all
scientific findings should be shared among each individual around the world for
the crucial reason mentioned above.
점수: 21 일단 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 합니다. 이러한 경향 때문에 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 너무 장황하게 됩니다. 에세이가 장황하게 되다보면 원레 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질 될 뿐만 아니라 에세이가 무엇을 말하려고 하는 지 파악하기가 어려워 집니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이는 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하는 것이 좋습니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 마무리가 아쉽게 끝났습니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|