문법 오류가 다분히 눈에 띄네요. 글의 구성은 괜찮고요, 내용도 "대단히 참신한" 소재로 구성되어 있지는 않지만, 충분히 괜찮은 소재들 (규칙, 협동심, 체력)이네요. 30분만에 쓰는 에세이에서 얼마나 참신하고 놀라운 소재를 기대하겠어요? ETS도 그런건 기대 안할껍니다.
토플시험을 한 번밖에 치뤄보지 못한 저로서는 점수를 내 드리기는 좀 힘드네요...
When I was eighteen years old, my school provided a physical education an hour per a day to every students. However, the other high school which was nearby my school did not offer a physical education to students. They were not supposed to exercise at school days. At the end of the year, my school students were more likely to satisfy my school's policy because the physical education gave us different experiences which cannot be learned by academic studies and gave us strong bodies. Therefore, I prefer to have physical exercise every school day.
1) per day 혹은 a day 가 맞죠. per a day 는 이상함...
2) every + 단수명사
3) the other가 아니라 another 가 맞겠죠.
4) at school days 는 좀 이상한데...딱히 맞는 표현이 생각 안나네요.
5) "교과 과정에서는 학습할 수 없는 다른 경험들"이란게 매우 모호하네요. 이렇게 모호하게 일반화시킬 것이 아닐, 본문에 나오듯이, 그냥 "규칙"과 "협동심"으로 명확하게 표현하는 것이 어떨까요?
First, a physical education gave students different experiences that cannot be learned by academic studies. In most sports, there are always required rules to play the sports. For example, hitting people and pulling other people's body are part of the rules in rugby but, swimming does not allow those actions. People should keep the rules to play and these rules only exist in sports activities. Academic studies cannot provide the rules. In addition, the physical exercise makes students cooperate each other. Most school sports are conducted as a team. Therefore, students cooperate and help other friends to win. However, the academic studies required studying by individuals. In this condition, cooperation is impossible because each students study separately and they compete each other to get better scores.
1) 일반적인 상황을 설명하는 것이므로, gave보다는 gives가 좋겠네요.
2) 앞에서는 people, 뒤에서는 other people이라고 다르게 표현하기 보다는, 그냥 hitting other players and pulling their body 라고 하는게 어떨까요.
3) but, 이 아니라 , but 이 되어야 할 듯.
4) the rules 보다는 those rules 가 더 자연스럽겠네요.
5) cooperate each other 가 아니라 cooperate with each other.
6) required 보다는 requires 가 좋겠죠.
7) each students study 가 아니라 each student studies.
8) compete each other 가 아니라 compete against each other.
9) 하나의 패러그래프에서 두 가지 이야기(rules 와 cooperation)를 하시네요? 차라리 둘로 나누세요.
Secondly, physical exercise makes students strong. Recently, most students do not have time to exercise and they do not leave chairs to study a whole day so the students are weak. Actually, I remember an article that is about current students' healthy conditions. The article said that current students' health is much weaker than the students of ten years ago who had a physical education everyday at school. I believe that every day’s physical education makes students stronger than now. For instance, I got 'C' about my body condition when I was first year at my high school but, I got 'A' when I was grade twelve at the school. This better result came from the exercise that is offered by my high school. I sported everyday an hour at my school.
1) leave chairs to study 가 오해의 소지가 많네요. "study하기 위해 떠나다(떠나서 study를 하다)"라고 들리는데요? 즉, 공부를 안한다는 말처럼 들리는데...
2) so가 아니라 and so. so는 부사이지 접속사가 아니에요. 주의 요망.
3) "~에서 듣건데~" 보다는 "무슨 무슨 조사의 결과에 따르면"이라고 표현하는 것이 훨씬 더 formal한 느낌이 들겠죠.
4) health와 student는 비교대상이 안됩니다. than that of the students라고 정확하게 비교해 주셔야죠.
5) but, 이 아니라 , but
Some people consider academic studies the most but I prefer to sport at school. Physical exercise of every school day makes students learn different experiences and the exercise makes students healthy as well.