Every second has been contributing to building on our history. Ever since people recoded their history in writing, there have been many historical events that we all should remember since it has impacted our life. Of a lot of great changes in the twentieth century, I, personally, believe that the end of the Cold War is the most important change that should be remembered in our heart because it has brought a culture of peace to the world and also has promoted globalization.
1) build on our history를 어떤 의미로 쓰신건지.."매 초가 모여서 역사를 만든다"라는 의미라면, 뭔가 좀 거꾸로 된 듯한 느낌이...build on = rely on 과 유사한 표현이라는데...음...이건 제 실력으로 뭐라 말씀 드리기가 힘들군요...제가 좀;;;
2) many historical events를 it으로 받으시면 안되죠. 절대 그러심 안되죠...
To begin with, the end of cold war changed the atmosphere of the international society that used to patrol each other and be in the armed race. In face, during the cold war, many nations invested a lot of money to develop new weapons and sent spies to other countries that have different ideology because each nation thought that it is almost impossible to make a compromise all together beyond ideology. It brought about the tension in the world. However, as the cold war ended, people began to open their mind to others who have another ideology and try to understand each other. After all, it helped create a culture of peace among people beyond the border of nations and the line of ideology.
1) 앞에서는 the end of the cold war라고 하셨으므로, 일치시켜 주시는게 보기에 좋을듯 하네요.
2) patrol 은 '순찰하다' 아닌가요? 게다가, each other는 딱히 지칭하는 대상이 앞에 안나오네요. 앞에 만약 '국가들'이라는 단어가 있다면 뒤에 each other가 나와도 좋겠지만...
3) In face -> In fact ... 실제 시험에선 이런 실수 안하시겠죠 ^^
4) 앞에 invest를 쓰셨으니까 to develop 보다는 in developing 이 더 효과적이지 않을까 싶어요.
5) each other -> one another
Over and above, there is no doubt that the end of cold war promoted the globalization which has been impacted all parts of the world in terms of economy, culture and politics. As the cold war ended, the flow of people from one country to another has naturally increased since nobody care about their belief or ideology. It enabled globalization to spread all over the world without difficulty and globalization provided many opportunities to better understand different cultures and to make close ties with other nations. This is way hard to imagine drawing picture in our dream before the end of cold war.
1) which has been impacted -> which has been impacting. 수동태로 쓸 이유가 전혀 없죠? 수동태로 쓰면 의미가 많이 이상해지죠...근데 그냥 which has impacted가 젤 좋을듯?
2) nobody care about -> nobody cares about...근데 표현도 좀 그렇고 시제도 좀 그렇네요... ^^
3) way hard 라...너무 구어체 아닌가요? 눈에 좀 거슬리네요...
4) 마지막 문장의 의미를 잘 모르겠네요.
In conclusion, there are a great deal of changes on the globe that people should keep in mind forever. However, I believe that the end of cold war is the most significant historical event that every human being must remember because it helped the entire people in the world open the door toward a culture of peace and because it promoted globalization which has great impact to our daily life at the moment.
1) the entire people 이라고 표현하면 너무 논리 비약이 심한 것 같아요...^^
2) at the moment 는 늬앙스가 좀 아닌 것 같아요. at the moment는 '현재에는'에 더 가깝지 않나요. 그냥 today라고 하는게 자연스러울듯.