TOEFL Written Exam Topic Number 157 (Preference)
내용은 좋습니다. 하지만, 문법과 문장력이 매우 약하다고 판단됩니다.
제가 드리는 점수는 아무런 의미도 없고, 정확성도 없으므로 생략...
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Technology is advancing in every single domain of technology, including education. One of these is the idea of making students study at home by utilizing technology; that is, by computers and television. Some oppose in this sentiment and maintains the current menthod, which is studying at schools. In my personal opinion, I assent to the latter opinion not only because the majority of students will not study as hard as the traditional method, but also because studying at schools will enable students to have social relationships with other students.
1) including education 이라고 짧게 말하고 끝나니까 어감이 그다지 좋지는 않네요. 차라리 , and the technology for education is no exception. 은 어떨까요?
2) one of these 라뇨? these가 뭐죠? these가 지칭하는 대상이 없는데요?
3) 님께서 어떠한 많은 생각을 가지고 by utilizing technology라는 표현을 하셨는지도 몰라도, 이렇게 짧게 표현해버리고 마니까 감이 잘 와닿지 않습니다. 좀 친절하게 설명을 덧붙여 주셨으면 글이 더 자연스러워지겠죠.
4) in this sentiment 가 무슨 의도로 쓰신 표현이죠? '의견'이라는 의도인가요? 흠...
5) maintains가 아니라 maintain. 주어가 복수(some)잖아요.
6) the latter opinion 이라뇨? 그런거 앞에 안나왔는데요.
7) which is studying at schools 라는 표현이 문법적으로는 결코 틀린 표현이 아닙니다. 하지만, 저라면 절대로 이런 표현은 안하겠습니다. 마치 "which가 study를 한다" 처럼 보이잖아요? ...and maintain the current method of studying at schools 라고 표현하는게 더 깔끔하겠죠.
8) as hard as the traditional method 라고 쓰셨는데, 반드시 피해야 할 오류입니다. X study as hard as Y 라는 구조인데, X는 "대부분의 학생들"이고, Y는 "전통적인 방식"입니다. 비교대상이 성립되지 않습니다. The majority of students will not study as hard as they would using the traditional method.라고 비교대상을 일치시켜 주셔야죠.
To begin with, students will not focus on their academic studies compared to the traditional schools. If we would recieve lectures by television or computer, it will be much laborious for students to study, for there will be many major distractions, including temptations of doing other things and being ignorant to the computer or television. For example, there is a television and on-line program called EBSi for students; it enables you to listen lectures on the topic they are currently learning. First, this seemed to be very successful and was considered a new era of education, but as this process continued, a considerable amount of students just swapped the channel to another program or opened other web sites on computers. The most temptation for me was the fluffy bed right beside my computer; it was very difficult to resist the desire to sleep. As the example shows, it will be more laborious for most students to study with the new technology.
1) 역시나 윗 문단의 8번 오류와 동일한 오류입니다. 이거 자주 틀리시네요?
2) major distractions 에서 major가 좀 깔끄럽네요. 너무 오버하는 듯한 느낌이랄까요. 그냥 for there will be many distracting factors such as ~ 는 어떨까요?
3) of doing other things 보다는 구체적인 실제 예를 들어 주면 좋을 것입니다.
4) there is a television and on-line program called EBSi for students 도 매우 모호한 문장입니다. "텔레비젼이 있고 EBSi라는 온라인 프로그램이 있다"처럼 읽힙니다. there is a program for students called EBSi, which is available both in television and via the Internet. 이라고 쓰면 의미가 좀 명확하지 않을까 싶네요.
5) 세미콜론(;)이 여기에는 어울리지 않습니다.
6) listen lectures 가 아니라 listen to the lectures 입니다. 너무나 기초적인 문법입니다. 틀리지 마세요.
7) first가 여기서는 "첫째로"라는 의미가 아니라 "처음에는"이라는 의미가 되어야 하므로 그냥 first가 아니라 at first 가 더 어울립니다.
8) 앞에 나온 내용을 대표하는 새로운 명사를 사용하신 시도는 좋습니다. 그러나, 앞에 나온 내용이 process라는 단어로 대표될 수 있는지는 심히 의심스럽습니다.
9) amount of students 보다는 number of students.
10) the most temptation -> the biggest temptation
11) 이 문단에서는 laborious 라는 단어가 처음과 끝부분에 두 번 등장하는데요, 첫번째 등장하는 laborious를 읽을 때에는 "집에서 공부하는게 laborious하다고? 무슨 말일까? 어떤 흐름으로 글을 이끌어 나가려고 laborious라는 표현을 했을까?"라는 생각을 일단 했었고요, 두 번째 등장하는 laborious를 읽어보니 "이 문단에서 표현한 내용은 laborious는 아닌데..."라는 생각이 듭니다. 키워드를 잘못 잡으신듯. 차라리 distraction 쪽으로 키워드를 밀고 나가시지 그러셨어요.
Moreover, the traditional students provides you social experiences with other students, which could even be considered more important than just academic studies. Due to the fact that a human being is a 'social' person, and society is actually composed of 'social' relationships, the mutual influences by students is considered pinnacle importance. Without achieving social skills that has to be acquired prior to being an adult, a human being will have a very big disadvantage on his characteristics, career, and even life before/after marriage. For example, there was a girl in my class. She had been home-schooling for about ten years, and it was her first year in an actual school. Everything seemed normal about her, including her high grades. However, she did could not blend into other kids, and therefore became isolated.
1) the traditional students -> the traditional method
2) which가 지치하는 대상은 의미상 'social experiences'이지만, 문장 구성상 더 가까이 있는 'other students'를 지칭하는 듯이 보입니다. 의미가 좀 모호한거죠. 차라리 이럴 때 문장동격어구를 쓰세요.
...social experiences with other students, an asset (which is) more important than academic studies. 처럼 쓰면 의미도 명확하고 더 고급스러워 보이지 않을까 싶습니다.
3) society -> the society
4) mutual influences by students -> mutual influences among students
5) ...considered pinnacle importance -> ...considered highly important
6) did could not ---> could not
In conclusion, we should maintain the current method of studing because the academic performances will most likely dicline through the process, and also because studying at schools will enable students to have social relationships with their classmates. For these reasons, I strongly insist that students should study in a school. We could instead improve the facilities in each school so that students will have a higher quality of education.
1) dicline -> decline
2) the process -> the new method