High school students should be allowed to choose which subjects they will study. |
The issue at hand is whether high school students should choose which subjects they will study. This ** is important because the period of high school in our life is the most important stage that we have to undergo. Since it is related to college and also our eternal job, students should be able to choose their own subjects that are related to their future with care. I believe they should choose what they want to study considering what they really need to work on in order to go to the college they want.
많이 고칠곳은 없고요 두번째 문장 issue는 생략 가능해서 지웠어요.. 그리고 period는 뒤에 stage가 쓰여서 다른 단어를 활용 한거예요... 그리고 be able to + v 이죠... ^_^
My first reason is that preparing for their hoping job earlier in their high school can be more beneficial. Since the high school students know what they want to be in the future and their skills, starting preparing for their dream in the high school is not bad. By selecting the subject they want to study, they can be prepared. For instance, my school teacher's daughter is a famous hair designer now working around the world. Her decision to be the hair designer was decided when she was in high school. She thought that she should prepare for her dream as soon as possible, so she decided to learn about hair designing when she was only 17 years old. Since normal school doesn't have subject that she wants, she went to the high school in Japan where was famous for hair designing. With her hard efforts, she could be one of the famous hair designers in the world. In this respect, learning subjects what they want to learn in the high school can be profitable for the students.
역시나 많이 고칠곳은 없네요... 일단 not bad쓴거 지적하는건 나쁜건 아니지만.. 약간 bad자체가 부정적인 의미가 많아요.. not bad전체를 빼고 preferred같은 걸 써도 될뜻하네요.. 그리고 뒤에 Japan's high school 보단 the high school in japan이 나을듯해서 바꿨어요.
In addition, learning subjects that are chosen by the school can be a waste of time. Schools require students to study in every field. However, this system can be unhelpful to the students. Learning subjects which they don't have any interest on can stress the students. Also, the overall grade can be affected because of the certain subjects they don't like. The grades of their high school years is very important when they go to college, so the schools should let the student choose their own subject to get good grades.
약간 support가 약한듯 하네요... 하고자 하는 말이 불필요한 과목들로 인해 내가 하고 좋아하는 과목이 피해를 입는다.. 그런 것인가요??? 암튼... 예를 드시거나 혹은 어떤 FACT 같은게 쓰였으면 훨씬 좋을것 같네요.
In conclusion, I believe students should pick their own subjects because they can prepare for their future much faster and not waste time learning what they don't need to learn. Three years in the high school can change our lives depend on how well we get ready for our future.
잘쓰셨는데 왜 허접하다 하셨는지... 자기 글을 사랑하세요!!! 아무튼 단어 설정 문장 구조 그리 나쁘지는 않아요... 아까 첨삭하신분에게도 말했듯이... 여러 미국기사를 읽으시고 좀더 나은 단어활용과... 또한 글을 어떻게하면 더 살을 찌울수있을까를 연구하세요!!! 좀만더 열심히 쓰시면 정말 에세이 잘쓰실꺼예요... 일단 body conclusion을 힘쓰세요... body는 어떤 예 혹은 말을 써서 support할까를 더 연구하시고 conclusion 파트는... 어떻게 하면 더 글 전체를 어필할수 있을까를 연구해보세요..
그럼 이만....
저도 이거 왜봐드린지 모른다는 자야하는데.. 아...ㅠ_- 진짜로 자러갑니다...!!! 바이바이
p.s. 허접해도 잘 읽어 주세요..ㅠ_- |