내용면에서 볼 때, 근거(본문)의 내용 및 글을 전개하는 논리가 마음에 들지 않습니다. 문법 측면에서, 상당히 아쉽습니다. 일단 문법을 많이 보강하셔야 할 것 같네요.
We have received and grown by parents’ amazing love and respect since we were born. Actually, I think all the parents are good as well as enough to be admired in that they bore us, and raised us. Thus, I feel a little sorry to parents if I say my opinion about the qualities of a good parent because it would seem for me to estimate their qualification. So, I want to say the ideal qualities of a parent who I want to be later. If I become a father later, I want to be rigorous about my children’s behavior, and I will praise my children as often as possible.
1) ...received and are grown by...(be grown 이 되어야죠)
2) Actually 삭제 (문장과 문장을 자연스럽게 연결해야 한다는 관념이 상당히 강하신 듯 하네요. 하지만, 모든 문장이 접속사라든가 부사로 연결되어야 하지는 않습니다. 한국사람들은 너무 접속사/부사를 남용하는 경향이 있는 듯.)
3) bore and raised us (반복을 피하기 위해서)
4) to my parents (의미상)
5) give my opinion (say my opinion이란 말은 없습니다)
6) good parents (a parent 란 말은 거의 쓰지 않습니다. 양친이 살아계시다면.)
7) it would seem for me to estimate 란 말이 상당히 어색하군요. 지금 내 얘기를 하고 있는데, 마치 남 얘기를 하고 있는 듯한 느낌이랄까요. 그냥 it would seem that I estimate ... 가 어떨까요. 동사도 estimate 보다는 judge/evaluate가 좋을 듯.
8) say the qualities 라는 말도 없습니다. talk about the qualities 라고 하시죠.
First of all, a good parent is strict with his or her own children’s demeanor. All the parents always show unconditional love to their children. However, such unconditional love, sometimes, leads their children to incorrect way. If parents not treat their children cruelly in spite of children’s fault, the children will be a person who cannot distinguish between right and wrong. Moreover, the children will be selfish gradually, be estranged from others, and ignore his or her parents’love as if the love by parents was trivial. As far as I know, people who have grown under rigorous parents esteem their parents, but people who have received exceedingly unconditional love cannot thank for parents’ love. Undoubtedly, It is tough for parents to rebuke their lovely children, but it is real love to reprove their children’s fault.
1) a good parent is -> good parents are (부모는 항상 복수취급합니다.)
2) with his or her -> with their
3) If parents not -> If parnets do not
4) cruelly는 너무 심합니다. 의미가 너무 강해요. cruel은 진짜 '무자비하고 잔인한' 느낌입니다. strict 정도가 알맞습니다.
5) 굳이 꼬집자면, the children이 a person이 되지는 않죠. 수일치.
6) 주어는 children인데 뒤에서는 his or her로 받으셨네요. 수일치.
7) the love by parents -> the love from/of parents
In addition, a good parent praises their children frequently. (=the more often praises their children,the better parent is->비교급문장으로 써봤는데 수정좀부탁드림; 그들의 아이들을 더 자주 칭찬할수록 더 좋은부모다.) I think the reason that Thomas Alva Edison could be one of the greatest inventors is because of his mother’s praise and encouragement. A few years ago, I have read a book written by otodake hirotada, a person lived in Japan who has no arms and legs. According to his saying, he has no both arms and legs innately. However, he has grown by his parents’ love and praise. Eventually, he could attend the 와세다(-.-;;) university, one of three most famous university in Japan as well as he could succeed as writer, news reporter, and lecturer. Besides two people I refered, there are so many people who succeed by their parents’ or friends’ praise and encouragement. Therefore, I think praise is best education and expression of love to children.
1) a good parent -> good parents. a parent를 뒤에서는 their라고 받으셨네요.
2) The more frequently parents praise their children, the better parents they are.
3) A few years ago는 과거의 한 시점이므로 완료형(I have read)는 맞지 않습니다. I read(과거)가 좋습니다.
4) According to his saying...왜 이리 say를 좋아하시나 (-_-);;;
5) no both arms and legs = he didn't have either arms nor legs. both는 긍정/의문문, neither(either~nor)는 부정문.
6) one of three most famous university -> one of the three most famous universities
7) as well as는 저렇게 쓰이지 못합니다. and also 라고 바꾸는게 좋을듯. as well as를 자꾸 틀리시는데, as well as의 용법을 다시 한 번 찾아보심이...
8) as writer -> as a writer...
9) praise is best education -> praise is the best education
In conclusion, as I above mentioned, all the parents, indeed, are prominent. If parents, however, not only love unconditionally but also praise and strict appropriately their children’s conduct, I am sure the parents would be best parents!
1) as I above mentioned -> as I mentioned above. 하지만, 시작부에 한마디 한 것 빼고는 "모든 부모가 다 대단하다"라는 말은 본문에 없습니다. 그냥 as I mentioned in the beginning 이 낫겠네요.
2) be best parents -> be the best parents