단어의 부적절한 사용도 몇개 보입니다. 하지만 문장실력은 괜찮으시네요. 매일매일 많이 연습하시면 더 좋아지실거 같습니다. 열심히 하세요. 아, 그리고 이건 어쩔 수 없지만, 한국인은 관사와 시제를 많이 틀리더군요.ㅎㅎ 저도 그랬고, 님도 많이 틀리신거 같아요. 혹시 다른 고수님들도 의견 있으시면 자유롭게 댓글 달아주시면 감사하겠습니다. (__) DC 님 그럼 내일 또 하나 해드리죠. 그럼 저는 이만.ㅎ |
- Spend money on vacation and trips VS Saving money for future - Some people argue that it is important to save money for future. Although I partially agree with (the point that )depositing current available possession as much as possible(주어가 너무 깁니다. it is beneficial for future to deposit current~ 이렇게 쓰심이 어떨지요?) is beneficial for future, I firmly think(think 쓰지 마시구요, believe, argue, feel 등등 좀 강한 단어를 쓰세요) that refreshing psychologically and physically by traveling another region is more important on(in) our life. First of all, (a) temporal vacation can help (목적어. people) lessen stress and provide (them with) an opportunity for reviwing(to review) our life. (이렇게 바꾼 이유는 provide의 용법 때문입니다. provide 사람 with 사물 또는 provide 사물 for 사람 이렇게 쓰이는데요. 님께서 for를 쓰시고 대상인 사람을 안썼기에 의미가 혼동이 됩니다. 그래서 앞에 쓰인 people을 받는 대명사 them으로 목적어를 썼습니다.) As (the) contemporary society is becoming more complex, people, especially adult(s), suffer from stress which (is) caused by a lot of work. (Thus) it is important that(to) relieve our stress level by having vacation in other regions. For example, when I just finish(ed) a long lagged project(long lagged project... 이 표현이 맞는건지는 잘 모르겠습니다. 지니님께 저도 여쭙고 싶네요.) which I enrolled(단어가 좀 그런데요? 그냥 was in, 또는 participated in, took charge of 정도가 좋을 듯.) as a member of laboratory,(기나긴 프로젝트를 끝냈다는게 중요하지, 이 프로젝트가 뭐였는지 설명하는 것은 단어만 늘리고 시간만 들뿐 별다른 의미가 없는거 같습니다. 그냥 which 이하로 잘라버리세요.항상 예는 필요한 말만 해야 실전에서 시간이 부족한게 없어집니다.^^) my team went to a beautiful island. In there,(there 은 부사입니다. 그냥 There, 이렇게 쓰셔야해요.) I could feel better and refresh my energy which was fully discharged by the stressful project.(좀.. 뭐랄까요.너무 수사학적?으로 표현했다고 할까요. 그냥 편하게 쓰세요..하하;; 정 뭐하다면 which 다음으로 끊으셔도 될 듯. 아니면 which 다음에 나오는 문장을 그냥 좀 단순하게 쓰시는게 좋을거 같아요. 특히 저는 discarded -> 이단어가 맘에 걸려요.) I can(could) also consider about my ultimate goal and things to do for my future. (Judging ) From this personal experience, I think(think 쓰지 마세용.) that trips are good ways(way) to relax and plan our further goal. Secondly, visiting foreign country(ies) can be a good and fun experience. In a different environment, we can learn much knowledge and realize important lessons. Learning (a) foreign culture is (a) good background for understanding (the) foreign country. In addition, it is fun to look(enjoy가 좋을 듯) exotic scenery(ies) and downtown(s). When I visit(ed) Japan(,) I tried lots of food. I enjoyed eating sushi, especially its special and neat smell. (especially를 쓰셨다면 sushi 말고 다른 예를 드는느낌이 더 강한거 같아요. 오히려 여기서 sushi를 표현하고 싶다면 which had를 쓰시는게 어떠실지..) I also tried Japanese traditional Ramen.(noodle 로 쓰세요. 라면 같은 고유명사는 채점관들이 잘 몰라요. 우리 한국떡도 ddock 이렇게 안쓰잖아요.하하;) (the) Palace of Japan was an enormous place and I think(think..;;; 그리고 과거형으로~) that is(was) wonderful. After that, I could more(better) understand about Japan and their culture. It was not only educative, but also interesting. Finally, (a) vacation can be an opportunity to make intimacy. In other words, (a) travel plays an important role in social relationship. People usually go to vacation with their friends. Since they can hardly meet frequently, it is a good social gathering.(차리리 it is a good chance to build up strong friendship 어떨까요) For example, I often go hiking on a mountain with my college colleagues. When we hike(,) we share a lot of( a lot of , lots of 쓰지 마시구 a great deal of, an amount of, 등등 다른 표현들 쓰세요) issue(s)(issue가 뭐가 있는지 예를 들어주세요. such as ~ 이렇게요) between us. I think(역시;;;이것도;;) that it(it이 뭔가요? trip 이라고 언급해주세요) is an important activity in order to maintain friendship. To sum up, vacation(s) help us relax and retrospect our life after a hard work. It is a good experience that traveling(to travel) (a) foreign country and even fun.(이 문장 많이 이상합니다. 뭔가 정열되지 않은듯한..즉 parallelism을 고려해서 다시한번 써보세요.) In addition, it makes our friendship tightly maintained. (388) |