▶ Your Answer :
Some people think learning from teachers is better than learning with peers. However, student’s intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by learning with peers. With this understanding, I believe that learning with peers is better than learning from teachers for the following subsequent reasons.
First, learning with peers enables students to relieve stress. Understanding environment of students and the potential role of learning with peers is necessary to substantiate this view (어떤 부분에 있어서 입증을 할 수 있는 지를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). For example, every morning students have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. Once they are at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routines repeats itself and eventually wears down people. Students who similar years old have same age (동사가 존재 하지 않습니다) have similar thinking and problems like their tests and undergo similar experience. By learning with peers, they can share about similar troubles. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, they need to learn with peers not from teachers.
Second, learning with peers enables students to enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of learning with peers, many experts opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that learning with peers enables students to provide meaningful place to share their thinking. For example, learning with peers provides meaningful opportunities for students to connect with their peers. Essentially, studying with peers promotes activities that encourage students to openly interact with one another, such intercommunication builds a platform not only to strength themselves but also to share their thinking, allowing students to become more socially aware and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life.
To sum up, I believe that learning with peers is better than learning from teachers for the following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have stated above.
점수: 26 일단 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락들을 보았을 때 필요한 부분들은 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 첫 번째나 두 번째 단락 모두 이유를 구체적으로 서술하지 않은체 바로 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 크게 있는데 이러한 점을 주의하고 이유를 구체적으로 서술하여서 본인이 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 지를 명확하게 보여주시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분이외에는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 에세이입니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |