■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : The most important period in a person's life is one's twenties. |
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▶ Your Answer : I don't do not agree that the
most important period in a person's life is one's twenties. Instead, I believe
that the most important period in a person's life is their tenths 어색한 표현입니다 (teens로 대체해주세요), a period
before the twenties (당연한 이야기이니 생략하는 게 좋습니다). I have two main reasons: it is a period of personality
development, and it is a period of education.
First, people's
personalities highly depend on what they experienced in their childhood. Even
some personality traits that seem innate can change depending on what people
have gone through. As an example, I'd would like to share my story. When I was little,
before I graduated elementary school, I was a natural extrovert. I had no
problem talking with new friends I met in the class, and I was the one that led
the conversation. However, everything changed when I was on my way to my 7th
year of school. I moved to USA because of family issues and went to an English
school. At that time, I barely had any knowledge of English, but I had no one
to help me. I could barely understand what people were saying, and most of my
communication was done with my body. Naturally, my mouth was shut down and my
personality changed slowly. As of now, I regard myself as an introvert. I'm I am not
used to standing out and I prefer low-stimulating activities. Like my story,
people's personalities are affected by their childhood.
Second, education is
mostly done in teenage years the tenths. Depending on what education people receive in this
period, their entire life changes. It affects what a person's job could be,
what friends they might make, and much more. For example, my grandfather is a
person that doesn't does not know how to read. He is illiterate, and is far from doing anything that is called "intellectual activities." Therefore, he worked
as a farmer his entire life, getting decent money. However if he knew how to
read, he might have got another job.
In conclusion, I don't do not think that the twenties are the most important period in a person's life. I believe
that one's tenths teenager days are more important because people's personalities are highly
affected in this period and education is done in this period also.
Score: 21점 Comments: - 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 제시하신 이유가 적절합니다. 그러나 본론2에서 education은 twenties에도 해당이 되는 것 아닌가요? 마찬가지로 10세 이하 아이들의 교육에도 해당이 됩니다. 조금만 더 논리적으로 설명을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 왜 특히 10대때 교육이 중요한지를 써주셔야 해요. - 라이팅에서 축약형 쓰지 말아주세요. don't = do not - 단어는 300-450 써주시면 됩니다. 적어도 300자는 써주셔야 합니다. - 본론2가 본론1에 비해 많이 짧은 것 같아요. 길이를 최대한 맞춰주시면 좋습니다. - 전체적으로 simple sentence가 많고 회화 느낌 및 스토리텔링 느낌이 더 강합니다. 조금 더 academic writing의 분위기를 살려주시면 좋을 것 같아요.
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처음 써보는건데 단어 수 어느정도 써야하나요?