▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, those we love plays play a significant role in our daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that being away from those we love reminds of us of their importance (이 부분은 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 건가요? 설명이 필요해보입니다), while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that being away from people we care about harms to the relationship. There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, when people are with their loved ones, they can strengthen their emotional bond and feelings of security in their relationships. It gives them more chances to socialize with their loved ones by getting to know and understand understanding each other while spending more time with them (앞 문장이란 반복이 된다라는 느낌을 받습니다). Being with people they care about tends to prevent them from feeling lonely in today’s cynical society. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine is under exhausting routine. It was difficult to make friends she could rely on since all of them seemed busy and indifferent to others, treating each other as rivals. Fortunately, she was able to get over her feeling of loneliness by talking to our parents over dinner. She was able to seek for advice and obtain words of comfort simply by spending more time with them. By doing this, she was able to connect with them more easily and promote their relationships. If she had been away from our parents, she would not have been able to improve the relationship. Also, people who are away from their family or friends, it can make their relationships worse ultimately. People are away from their loved ones because of jobs mainly. As modern society is becoming has become rapidly specialized and competitive, today’s job markets require job candidates with such professionalism. Thus, as many people start to develop their expertise apart from their family and friends to be competitive in the job market, they are unlikely to spare their free time learning how to treat others with respect. Eventually, it has a negative effect on their relationships with family or friends. For example, my youngest brother did well in his workplace. He maintained his hectic schedule by preparing his presentation, doing his work in his own house apart from parents’ house. He met family and friends less than two hours a week and rarely engaged in social activities. He was promoted and was able to go to the best company in Korea. However, he was very rude and could care less about his others, especially his family. He often made an excuse by saying that he was too busy and tired after a long day at the company. Moreover, he forgot about parents’ birthdays, rarely engaged in family events and our relationships worsened. Even though my youngest brother were away from family, but he did not know the importance of the relationship with his loved ones. When being apart from family, people often forget to care about own relatives and closest people. All things considered, I firmly believe that the advantages of being with those we love far outweigh its disadvantages. All in all, the importance of family and friends cannot be overestimated. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 제가 첨에 이 에세이를 읽어 나가면서 느낀것은 에세이가 너무 장황합니다. 전반적으로 간결하게 쓸 수 있는 부분들도 길게 서술했다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 특히 예시 부분이 너무 깁니다. 예시는 이유를 서포트 하는 거지 예시 자체가 메인이 되면 안됩니다. 이렇게 장황하게 예시를 서술하는 것 보다는 좀 더 구체적인 설명 즉 본인의 의견을 잘 전달할 수 있는 곳에 더 초점을 주면서 서술하시는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |