▶ Your Answer :
As everything in life is like a coin which
has two different sides, people should weigh pros and cons before jumping to
conclusions. After all, each and every question of topic requires careful
deliberation. Even though some people adamantly say that famous athletes and
entertainers do not deserve the large amount of money they are paid, I strongly
believe such opinion lacks coherence to some extent for the following two reasons.
First and foremost, few people would deny
that becoming famous stars requires contains lots of arduous practices and luck.
Although some people might think that some stars eventually became well-known
by chance, they did a myriad of failed trials until their talent caught people’s eyes. Since different behaviors or
achievements done by the stars which are not easily performed by ordinary
people generously catch people’s attention, it is
natural to take huge amount of practices to draw those results. (Awkward sentence) For instance,
Korean soccer player Park Ji Seung is one of the most famous soccer player in
Asia and paid an uncountable amount of annual salary money annually. However, he endured
enormous hardships, both in physical and mental way, and overcame those things
only by controlling one’s mind and practicing harder
according to his biography. He has even bad shape of feet which is a critical
factor for running in fields and also was discriminated by other players when
he played in abroad. Therefore, he is worth to earn lots of money.
On top of that, they should consider lots of
factors even if they has become famous and are paid a lot. Since they are
famous, they should consider lots of opinions from people and endure them and
keep their way. Therefore, not all steps of procedure are pleasant solely
because they are famous. (What does it mean?) To better illustrate make my point more thoroughly, I will take lots of
famous stars who decided to commit suicide by people’s severe attacks from people. (Who are they?) Only because they are
famous, they should take significant burdens to take various criticisms from
people, which might be either related to their ability on their fields or other
aspects such as their relationship with friends or just their appearance. (Hard to understand) Had
they not been famous, these indiscriminate attacks from keyboard warriors in
web would not have occurred and they would not have taken those tragic choices.
In summation, it is virtually impossible
to provide completely satisfying answer to the open-ended question. Although
the jury may be out of this given topic, we can come to a mutual agreement that
it is a kind of naive thinking that famous stars earn more than they do.
In summation, it is virtually
impossible to provide completely satisfying answer to the open-ended question.
Although the jury may be out of this given topic, we can come to a mutual
agreement that it is a kind of naïve thinking that famous stars earn more than
they do.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2
| 2 | 2 | Score | Limited 15-17 | - 인트로 부분 전체가 템플릿인 것은 글자수를 채우기에는 적합하지만 어느정도 자신의 주장이 초기에 드러날 수 있도록 언급해주셔야 합니다.
- luck 과 by chance는 비슷한 라인으로 보이네요. by chance 보다는 with great luck이 더 적절해보입니다. - 수동태의 문장은 글의 의미를 다소 어색하게 만들게 됩니다.
|
|