▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, a new technological device is plays (동사를 잘못 서술하였습니다) significant role in people's lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people may think that buying a new technological device when it comes available is likely to improve people's abilities needed for success than waiting until many people take it, while others do not improves people's abilities needed for success, while other people think differently. Both sides may have several their reasons to support their own views. However, If i had to choose one, I would say that people should buy a new technological device when it becomes available. This is because there are many advantages of doing so. There are several reasons as follows. for the following subsequent reasons.
In fact, someone who bought a new technological
device when they could be available are likely to success on their work To begin with, people can succeed in terms of working. The latest
electronic devices have more abilities. such as Global Position System(GPS), Automatic
Translation System compared with another devices which are not only old, but
also rare in comparison to the outdated electronic devices. These abilities can help them to improve their work performances. To
be specific, when people who bought the latest one utilize new function related
to their tasks, it is likely to reduce their time which could be able to other
important matters reducing a lot of time . For example, my youngest brother jack used to be poor in his
company. He always submits his report about his team’s main project lately. This
is because even Even (독립형 에세이에서는 this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현입니다) if he worked on everyday, his poor ability to handle his task
was always a big problem. However, he changed little by little after buying new
surface pro. The latest lab top has ability on automatic translation which was
the worst problem to him. He realized that when he utilized properly on his tasks,
his time consumption will be reduced about 40% compared with the time before
using this new device. It greatly helps him to enhance his punctuality on his
work, eventually he become a month man of the company due to his attainment
that he could get by using the latest device becoming a month man in his company. If he would not used this new device,
he could not meet this new function, might be poor in him work.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantages of having a new device far out weigh those of waiting until
many take it for the reasons I have mentioned above. In this regard, the
importance of saving time in their tasks cannot be overestimated in success
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론까지 전체적으로 너무 장황한 에세이입니다. 특히 더 장황하게 보여지는 이유는 한 단락에 모든 정보를 넣으려고 하는 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분 때문에 에세이가 많이 장황하게 됩니다. 에세이에 있어서 가장 중요한 것은 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하는 것인데. 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 장황하기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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