▶ Your Answer : There is currently a debate about whether technology provide provides (technology는 단수 주어 입니다)better ways to communicate with others or not. Two different views hold in regard to this issue. After pondering upon two possible opinions from several aspects, I personally agree with the idea that technology provides us with new and better ways to communicate and connect with others. There arer two reasons to stand. First, We can connect each other no matter how far we live, and second, technology gives more ways to communicate with others. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, while many people consider that technology significantly reduces our oppurtunities for human interaction, I believe that technology makes more chances to connect people nowadays because technology makes it easy to interact regardless of distance regardless of distance, technology made people communicate easily (항상 이유는 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다). My personal experience could be an example. When I was a (students가 복수이기 때문에 a가 필요없음) middle school students, I have a best friend. She lived next door, so we played together almost every day. But, she moved to another city. I missed her, but keep touch with her is not easy for me. After few years, we go to university and we get own mobile phone. And now, we meet each other at least once a month. This shows that people can get a lot of benefits from technology in part of communicate. communication
On top of that, to strength my view points, increasing use of technology is because convinient way of human interaction it is the most convenient way to interact (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 난 후 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). According to a recent poll, the majority of people responded that quantity of interaction with other people is increasing than past. has increased in comparison to the past They also thought increasing use of technology give more familier emotion than when they do not use the technology the increase in use of technology gives more emotion. In addition, a well-known professor of SNU in technology department published an editorial and as a result, he supported my opinion. This report mentioned that increasing use of technology makes people close and global village (좀 더 구체적으로 이러한 것이 뭐가 소통에 좋은지 서술해주시길 바랍니다).
On the whole, I strongly urge that my points with two reasons are sufficiently convincing. The reasons are technology makes people can connect regardless of location and increaing the increase in use of technology makes people feel close. In this regard, I believe that increasing use of technology is better ways to communicate with one others.
점수: 21 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유가 너무 모호하고 장황해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 보시면서 이유를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유에 대하여서 구체적 설명을 더 하시길 바랍니다. 설명이 너무 부족한 단락이였습니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |