▶ Your Answer : Some people think that cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. However, in my opinion, airplanes have affected society mostly among all transportations for following reasons to the society for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, airplanes make people able to travel all around the world. travel all around the world Unlike cars, airplanes are able to transport people to other continents transport people to different places. Thanks to airplanes, people can go to almost every countries for a trip and have diverse experiences there. In a poll, a majority of people answered to travel in other countries on their vacation. They wants to experience wanted to experience (they는 복수 주어 입니다) other countries' culture such as food or religions. Also, they hope to meet native people and interact with them. Since people do not have much time to talk with foreigner, traveling in other countries could be a good chance to have interaction with them face to face.
Second, airplanes enable people to study abroad (첫 번째 이유와 두 번째 이유가 똑같습니다). Recently, more and more students are willing to go to graduate school. Since each countries have famous schools that specialized in specific major has school majored in specialized in specific field, students go to other countries to study deeper. For example, my sister studied Film at university in our country. After graduate, she thought that she needs to study more about her major, but could not find appropriate school to study Film. Consequently, she went to school in France which is famous for French movies, and now she says that she could study there more profoundly.
To sum up, airplanes have made a great impact on society because they allow people to travel or study over their countries. For these reasons, I strongly believe that airplanes have affected society much more than cars.
점수: 20 일단 가장 큰 문제점이 되는 것은 첫 번째 이유와 두 번째 이유 모두 반복 됩니다. 둘 다 똑같은 이유를 설명만 다르게 서술하고 있습니다. 이러한 부분은 독립형 에세이에서는 옳지 않습니다. 똑같은 이유보다는 서로 다른 이유를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 도한 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많으니 제가 지적한 부분들을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |