▶ Your Answer : It would be incredible if I can change one important thing about my hometown. If I have a chance, I would build a soccer stadium. By building the stadium, people can relive their stress, and I don't need to go to other cities to see a soccer game. for the following two subsequent reasons To begin with, stress has been a serious problem in society. Stress not only causes a lot of diseases, but also lowers people's concentration on work and study. Therefore, it is really important to deal with the stress for our lives. That's why I want to build a soccer stadium. Soccer is one of the most popular sports in South Korea, where I was born in. When there is a soccer game, a great deal of people gather up in a stadium and cheer their team up. By watching a soccer game in person, people would go crazy at the atmosphere of the stadium, and it would be helpful to relieve the stress relieving a lot of stresses. In addition, people can be integrated into one through sports. Thus, I really want to build a soccer stadium.
Another reason is that there are no soccer stadiums in my hometown Furthermore, there is a lack of stadium. This means that if I want to see a soccer game, I have to go to other cities, which takes times. It is really annoying because I have to take transportation or drive. One day, I went to Seoul to see (동사가 두 개 입니다) watch the game. However, the problem is that I am not accustomed the location in Seoul so there were many times I was lost, and could not watch the game. If there was a soccer stadium in my hometown, I would not be late for the game and need to be prepared for sometime. Therefore, due to the convenience of location, I want to build a soccer stadium in my hometown.
Sports can lower the stress, which is awful for our health. It is really annoying to go to other cities to watch the game. If I have a chance to change an important thing about my hometown, I would build a soccer stadium.
점수: 21 각 단락들이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 불필요한 부연 설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 부연설명들은 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하게 만듭니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유가 적절하지 않습니다. 이유 자체가 주제와 맞지 않다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 따라서 이유를 선정할 때 주제와 연관을 지어서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |