▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, the environment plays a significant role in people's daily lives where they work or play. There are many ways to improve the environment in a local community; to reduce the usage of a plastic bag, to facilitate public transportation, or to build a park or plant a tree. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that using public transportation is the most effective way to improve the environment. There are several reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons.
First, using public transportation can improve the air pollution and ultimately prevent the climate change. Using public transportation more frequently will let the individual cars be less used when people commute or travel to somewhere. When people use their individual cars less, it is likely to reduce reduces the emission of harmful gases that change weather patterns. For example, recently in the United States, Texas suffered from an unexpected massive flooding leading to property damages and thousands of deaths. This was a very rare phenomenon for the state known for its dry weather. Many experts are linking link this event to the increased number of individual cars. In fact, the number of cars has been increasing tremendously increased tremendously, taking up the largest portion of the U.S. gas emission among all kinds of the transportation. In this regard, it is not exaggerating to say that the car has been the main cause of the harmful gases. If people try to reduce the usage of individual cars, it would be helpful to improve the air condition and to prevent the natural disasters. On the other hand, building a park or planting trees would not be as effective as using public transportation, because trees need time to grow enough to contribute to the air condition improvement.
Also, reducing the usage of a plastic bag wouldn't be practical to improve the environment would not be the practical way to reduce the pollution (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). For example, once I personally tried not to use a plastic bag for a grocery shopping; instead, I used a cotton bag. However, in many occasions, I stopped by a supermarket without the cotton bag, because I was just on the way back home from school, not deliberately went out for a shopping.
To sum up, I strongly believe the effort to use public transportation as much as possible is the most effective and practical way for the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 독립형 에세이를 서술할 때에는 항상 주의를 하셔야 할 부분은 단락의 균형을 맞추시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 각 단락들이 문제가 있습니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 너무 장황합니다. 불필요한 부연설명들이 너무 많습니다. 좀 더 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 설명이 너무 빈약하기 때문에 좀 더 구체적으로 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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