▶ Your Answer :Some people think that the extended family is important in contemporary society. However, in my opinion, the extended family do not affect our life. The reasons are the change of age and the change of lifestyle. To begin with, contemporary society is different than with before. Our identity(음 identity의 의미를 정확히 모르시고 쓴 것 같습니다) has changed is change. Individual value is important than before age. I will talk about my experience as example. When I was elementary school student, I lived together with my grand parents, and cousins. This time, our family always fought with each other, because our thinking was different individually. Then, we decided that we should not live together, and split our house. Therefore, our family's the ratio of fighting decrease. We contact each other using phones. to use mobile phone and automobile. It is important that personal's live protect from others even family. On top of that, people are affected by our neighbor than family now. We have much time with our friends or coworkers. This is because our age is industry age.(무슨 의미를 가지시고 쓰신 건가요?) For example, there was a survey conducted by Korea Research Center from 1960 to 2000 with 1000 people. The purpose of the survey was to understand the view about change of family values. At 1960, people thought that we (we 가 누군지에 대한 설명이 전혀 없습니다. 이렇게 문장을 쓰시면 해석 자체가 쉽지 않아요 clear하게 써주세요) live together, because families worked together. Agricultural society was important that family live together because they need many labor. However, At 2000, An overwhelming 90% had responded that living together is not important since they did not need family's labor. They need friend or coworker's labor. To sum up, contemporary age change the form and people need others than family member. In this regard, I firmly believe that the extended family do not accurate contemporary our life.
우선 문법적, 문장적인 오류가 너무 많습니다 아예 이해가 가지 않는 문장들이 너무 많아 해석이 힘든 편입니다. 에세이 연습보다는 개별 문장 연습이 훨씬 더 시급해 보입니다. 어휘도 많이 기본적인 어휘들만 기본적으로 쓰신다던가 하는 등의 문제들이 많습니다. 또, 어휘를 잘 이해하지 못하고 쓰신 부분이 너무 많아 보입니다 정확하게 뜻이나 쓰임을 아는 어휘 위주로 써주세요 문장자체의 의미에까지 혼동이 옵니다. |