인트로부분 오류·설명부분의 연결성을 보완해보았는데요..
... 말씀해주신걸 제대로 알아 들은건지모르겠습니다ㅠ 한 번 봐주세요ㅠ!!
▶ Topic : Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who assert that Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed. However I am opposed to the idea above for the two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, children are on the risk of having (misconceptions) ☞ biased views on the world. Young children who are under six are so young to distinct (the goods and bad)☞ what is true and false. Nevertheless the contents TV ads deliver (is not educationally oriented but commercial in which they☞삭제) often contain exaggerations and stereotypes. Obviously, all those information within the advertisement can (not be properly filtered with their cognitive ability)☞ lead children to establish misleading ideas on certain things. One research into infants' psychology suggested that children who are exposed to the TV at their earlier age can have low marks in (their art subjects) ☞ the subjects which require creativity and critical thinking.
Moreover, the effect of TV advertisement can lead to serious mental health issues on children. In general the contents of advertisements which are all purports on selling their goods are stimulative and eye-catching. The commercial power that is in the form of visual and sound effects may not have serious effect on human adults but when it comes to the infant viewer, we may need more cautions. I know this from my personal experience. The cat on a detergent advertisement, which was not related to any aggressive contents, looks always scary to me. I remember the negative feeling I have had when I watched the cat on the very TV ads.
To sum up, exposing young children should not be allowed to the TV ads that can affect their educational aspects and mental health as a whole in a negative way. In this regard, I suggest that it is better for infants to avoid exposure to TV ads.
이제는 완벽한 에세이가 된 거 같습니다. 저가 지적한 부분에 대해서 완벽히 숙지가 된 상태에서 자신의 글을 드디어 서술하게 된 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 설득력 인데 지금 이 에세이는 이제 설득력 부분에 있어서는 완벽히 숙지가 된 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적 설명과 적절한 예시들을 통하여서 왜 아이들이 티비 광고에 노출되면 안되는지를 잘 설명하고 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
-----------------------------------(지난 번)-----------------------------------------
지난번 첨삭 너무 감사합니다.
구조문제와 에세이·예시가 뒤죽박죽이라는 점을 최대한 고쳐서
되도록이면 내용 수정없이 그 부분만 수정한건데요, 지금도 같은 이슈로 문제가 있나요 ㅠㅠ?
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.
■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer
▶ Topic : Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who asserts assert (people는 복수 주어 입니다) that Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed. However I am opposed to the idea above for the two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, children are on the risk of having misconception of the world by the exposure to the misguided commercial advertisements. Young children who are under six are so young to distinct the goods and bad. Nevertheless the contents TV ads deliver is not education-oriented educationally oriented but commercial in which they contain exaggerations and stereotypes. Obviously, all those information within the advertisement can not be properly filtered with their cognitive ability. One research into infants' psychology suggested that children who are exposed to the TV at their earlier age can have low marks in their art subjects. The reason was suggested at higher level of misguided stereotypes that
Moreover, the effect of TV advertisement can lead to serious mental health issues on children. In general the contents of advertisements which are all purports on selling their goods are stimulative and eye-catching. The commercial power that is in the form visual and sound effects may not have serious effect on human adults but when it comes to the infant viewer, we may need more cautions. I know this from my personal experience. The cat on a detergent advertisement, which was not related to any aggressive contents, looks always scary to me. I remember the negative feeling I have had when I watched the cat on the very TV ads.
To sum up, exposing young children should not be allowed to the TV ads that can affect their educational aspects and mental health as a whole in a negative way. In this regard, I suggest that it is better for infants to avoid exposure to TV ads.
점수: 26
인트로 부분에 있어서 약간의 오류가 있지만. 저번 에세이보다는 확실하게 발전이 된 독립형 에세이입니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이에서 주의를 해야할 부분은 설명하는 내용에 잇어서 열결성이 부족하다라는 것이 느껴집니다. 이러한 부분을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하셔야 할 거 같습니다. 이 부분을 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 잘 서술하였습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.