▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, improving world plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think young people in the past were more likely to give time and take effort to improve world than young people today are, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say young people today are more likely to try harder (뒤에 than 이 있다는 걸 잊지 마세요. 무조건 비교급+than입니다) to improve world than young people in the past were. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, young people today attempt hard to protect the environment such as developing public transportation, and it can prevent climate changes. The provision of a more convenient and affordable public transit system encourages people to commute by bus or subway instead of their individual cars. Less usage of their cars is likely to reduce the emission of harmful gases that change weather patterns. For example, recently in the United States, suffered from unexpected massive flooding, leading to property damage and thousands of deaths. Many experts are linking this event to the increase in CO2 mainly caused by driving cars. Their argument is based on the fact that the number of cars has been increasing tremendously. After this experience, young people today acknowledged the need to take more careful measures. Since young people try to develop public transportation and take them,(develop이라기 보다는 만들어냈다 가 더 맞는 동사같아보입니다. 또 take를 무슨 뜻의 take로 썼는지는 모르겠지만 문장에 fit하지 않습니다. 다른 동의어로 써주세요) this joint effort can reduce gas emission as well as natural disasters.
In addition, smartphone developed by young people today has improved the standard of living. The invention of smartphone has provided more field of businesses, more job positions, and higher household incomes. This trend has been likely to save people from poverty, ultimately contributing to the overall national economic growth. For example, in the 2000s, with the spread of smartphones, the government began to invest billions of dollars in the smartphone industry. Eventually, this investment was able to help Japan decrease poverty rate as well as unemployment rate. The most contributing factor was that the new job sectors gave more people opportunities to work and to earn income for their household. This implies that employment within these business sectors have brought prosperity to people. Without the boom of the smartphone industry developed by young people today, the economy would have been much worse off.
All things considered, I strongly believe that young people today are more likely to give time and take effort to improve world than young people in the past were for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of effort for world by young people today cannot be overestimated.
잘 쓰다가도 문장 오류/문법 오류가 보이는 곳이 꽤 됩니다. proof reading이 제일 중요해보입니다. 현재 보이는 문법/어휘 오류는 다 쓰고 읽어보기만 해도 고쳐질만한 기본적인 오류이니 주의해주세요 어휘는 몇몇만 빼면 대부분 문장에 맞게 잘 쓰고 있는 것 같습니다. 다만 반복되는 어휘가 몇 보이니 최대한 다양하게 사용할 수 있도록 동의어 위주로 어휘 공부 조금 더 해주세요 |