▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the importance of extended family is less important nowadays. On the other hand, I believe that extended family is becoming more and more crucial in this society. There are two reasons. First, it can help one gain diverse indirect experiences. Second, it will provide outlets for stress. First of all, extended family gives lots of indirect information. To be specific, I believe indirect experience society is one of the most essential factors of success in this society. Imagine people only have textbook knowledge. Their views will be so narrow. By having extended family, they can not only gain diverse indirect experiences but also broaden their horizon of the world. For example, a study conducted by a group of psychology majors is a good example of this. The researchers tracked of people who had extended family over a 10 years. The researches find that the people who had extended family were good at adapting to their society and got along with their peers better than people who were not extended family. The reason was that they offered lots of indirect information and experience from their family. So it can help them to be accustomed their situation. This study shows that having extended family can be helpful. On top of that, extended family offers outlet for stress. To explain, having the outlets for stress has a meaning of in itself since it can help one regain energy and find the strength to go on. Nowadays, people can have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It can help people get back on track after talking to their extended family and offered advice by them. For instance, I have lived with extended family from my childhood. When I was highschool 3rd graded in highschool,. I had trouble with academic performance and my path of life. So I had an honest talk truly talked with my grand parents. They gave me lots of confidence and give lots of information and advice. And I had outlets for problem. This was very helpful. So I passed through this seasons without any big problem. If not for them, I must have struggled a lot during that time. they were not, I must had troubled in these problems. To sum up, I think that it is helpful having extended family since it gives one a variety of indirect information. Moreover, it offers outlets for stress and problem. In this regard, I firmly believe having extended family is important nowadays.
Good (24–25) 첫번째 본문에서, indirect information의 결과 뿐만 아니라 어떤 indirect experience 인지에대해 더 자세히 서술해주세요. 그것이 명확하지 않아 본문의 설득력이 떨어집니다.
두번째 본문에서 I truly talked with~ 하시면, 난 정말로 이야기를 나누었다의 뜻입니다.
전체적으로 문법/표현 실수 좀 있으십니다. 연습해주세요. 확실한 표현 사용하셔야 문법 실수를 줄일 수 있습니다. 전체적으로 이유/내용/예시 괜찮습니다. 첫본문에서 설명 보충해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~ |