>봐주세요 ^^
>신랄한 비평도 해주시면 고맙겠습니다
>몇점쯤 나올까요>?
>Thesedays, a growing number of people, especially young people tend to live in a big city. However, contrary to the popular trend, some people still stick to live(stick to sth/doing sth) in a small town. As for me, I would rather
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>To begin with, a big city ensures various job oppotunities. It is lagerly because many huge companies are placed
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>Moreover, living in a big city contributes to us pretty much advantages than a small town. It is mainly attributed to the fact that a big city includes huge hospitals, departmentstores, and many kinds of cultural attractions. In support this(should be "in support of" but still a little bit awkward. "For instance" would be better), there are several huge medical centers in my town and many people who got a serious illness such as heart-disease, cancer as well. Because those are not in a small town.(It looks like you started a new sentence with no further remarks. Restructure it. i.e. Put it in the previous sentence) In addition, the Lotte department store which is the most famous brand in Korea contributes numorous products and attracts a large number of custumers. Due to the many custumer demands people live(living) in Pusan can contact a variety of new products as soon as they are produced. Cultural attractions also is(are) a type of pleasure to people live(living) in a big city. For example, We had a great film festival called PIFF. It begins(takes place) every year and shows us many famous directer's recent movies. It is a type of pleasure only to people living in Pusan. This proves that an urban community offers to enriching(to enrich) our lives.
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>Finally, there's a saying "Go to Seoul, if you want to succeed" in Korea. I think it means that a big city offers not only many oppotunities and advantages. Thus(thus means "like this" didn't you want hence or therefore?), given the choice, I will definitely live in a metropolis and I belive that these play a pivotal role in enriching my life.
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Being logical comes first to make a good point of course but if you make too many small mistakes, which every schoolboy wouldn't, you won't get anywhere. Good structure, logic and correct grammar are all joined at the hip for a good piece of writing.@4d4e81d3f9219886bcadb3dc9b503f82@h*@4d4e81d3f9219886bcadb3dc9b503f82@